Hey X,

I hope you had a wonderful weekend, my weekend was really amazing, one of the best that I have had in a long time. Spent all weekend with the wife and kids. My wife and I were focused on each other and really made great strides within our relationship. We talked and laughed and were just there with each other. It was like a huge sigh of relief, I don’t think we are out of the woods yet, but after this weekend a lot of things have been reconciled.

You brought that mushroom example, well, it makes one think that feelings may change with time. How soon might they change here regarding open marriage?

I would think that these things could change over night, as more experienced is gained more insight into your happiness level is gained. I also think that the more conversations that are had the more insight is gained. As I travel down this road I am starting to learn that in order for my marriage to be successful I need to be able to honestly communicate with my wife on a very deep and open level. Something that I had never practiced in the past. You know the whole men talking about their feelings thing

You seem to be really warming up to the idea, what is stopping you from having an open marriage now?

Maybe, but maybe as my wife and I communicate more, and I start to give her the attention that she is craving, an open marriage is not needed.  My wife told me this weekend that since I have been opening up with her, and have been spending more time focusing on her that she hasn’t been texting with Jay as much.

Somebody said that it would interesting to know how many people exactly on this planet would fall in love if they did not hear about love, passion, etc. all their lives since childhood well into adulthood from other people, books, films, etc.?

Interesting idea, so lets talk about the reason for Love. I imagine that evolutionary, the reason for love would be to ensure that two humans get together to have children, and those feelings we call love are there to ensure that the child gets the safety of being raised in the so called best conditions possible. It has been shown that just touching your partners skin releases an endorphin rush in the brain. Increased dopamine, that feeling of pleasure is what keeps you connected with that person. You want to stay with that person because of those feelings.  Is it possible to have those dopamine hits with more than one person at a time. Not sure of the answer to that one.

I agree that men and women typically react in different ways, we are seeing this first hand with our teenage son. My wife sometimes gets upset because he answers some things as see says “that is a typical male response” I agree, but as I get older, things take on a different perspective. I am definitely seeing things in different lights, whether that is because I am actively trying to get to the bottom of feelings. It would be just as easy to continue to think along the same path, but I have realized it wasn’t getting me nowhere, and was having a very negative impact on my marriage. Just by taking a different approach has given me some freedom from those old feelings. And some insight into who I want to be and who I don’t want to be

It sounds to me like you and your wife are on the same page, so again, I am wondering what is stopping you from going ahead (and telling us about the result ;)))?

I think what you said in the beginning about mid-life crisis might be close, what if we are having an awakening of sorts. I feel like I am evolving my feelings and thoughts. There are still some very scary feelings, and places in my psyche that need to be explored. But the overall idea is not as frightening as it was initially. For right now it seems to be in a holding pattern.

maybe I am trying to build the case of fear being behind everything, so naturally, I find proof of it and dismiss or fail to notice what doesn’t prove it?…

I think you are exactly right with this one. Fear controls every decision that we make, the ego is your coat of armor trying to protect yourself. The key to dealing with your ego is to start by looking at your fears. “The ego is the false self—born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

But you love your wife, and you have every reason to believe that not complying with her wishes will take her away from you (which you fear and don’t want). So your subconscious is conditioning your body to accept the situation, which would otherwise be unacceptable. Hence all your questioning, reasoning, trying to see why not, etc.

What do you think?

I think that I am trying to get to the root cause of my fear so that I can be more whole as a person and not let my ego control how I respond to certain situations.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Matt.