Dear Fruzsina:

I read this morning all of your posts on your various threads since November 2015. I didn’t read my or others’ replies to you, only your sharing. I hope that this hours long endeavor on my part will be useful to you. My first post to you has my summary plus quotes from your various posts. My second post will have my comments, my understanding of the summary and quotes.

November 2015 you shared about having lived in a flat with six others, you wrote it was “the best year of (your) life”. You met up with two “very close friends… on a daily basis”.

The second year at uni you moved in with two course mates. You wrote: “We decided to move in together because we couldn’t go a day without seeing each other.” But you were distressed because you and your ex flat mates didn’t meet often. You missed them. You were distressed over friends who “seem to cancel a lot or put off meeting up”. You felt lonely and bored.

You wrote: “What’s making me feel more lonely is that my house mates are absolutely fine with the way things are. ….How do I connect with old friends who are happy and don’t feel like they need to see me?”

And you cried quite a bit: “every time I see pictures of last year I can’t help but start crying, because I miss it so much.”

February 2017 You first wrote about your current boyfriend whom you met 3 months before:

“From the very beginning, he would often zone out from where we are and go into his little world… he has gotten used to his time alone and knows how to be alone very well… I am the complete opposite, an extrovert who needs to socialise to feel ok and alive. So most of the time, when we are together, I will end up doing all of the talking, I will be jumping around him very energised and hyper as usual…  I really feel as though I am the one bringing all the energy into the relationship……  it feels like effort to be with him because I always have to have the conversation flowing and provide energy for both him and myself.”

April 2017 you wrote: “he treats me like I’m the only girl in the world, expect he forgets to include me in his feelings sometimes.”

You wrote: “I think there is some insecurity within myself about us that makes me constantly question how he feels about me and blame his closed off behaviour on myself, which I need to work on..

You wrote: “I simply told him I want to be more involved in his life and would like him to share his emotions and thoughts with me about things rather than keeping everything to himself”

About your relationships with your family, you wrote: “Me and my family share absolutely everything with each other… My mum knows everything about every relationship my sister and I have had in the past and she’s always been the first to turn to when I needed someone… we usually talk for 2 hours, without even realising how much time has passed”.

You wrote: “I guess it is because of the strong relationship I have with them that I have high expectations for my partner.”

October 2017 you wrote: “whenever I am with him while he is being off and wanting to be by himself, I feel SO weak and very clingy and just completely hopeless. When I am experiencing lack of effort from his side, I just start to cry completely randomly…

“I think maybe I cry because my gut is telling me something is wrong and I just can’t hold it in maybe.

“I mentioned to him that I feel like I’m constantly putting effort into this relationship while I get none in return. I explained to him very literally what I do for our relationship. I told him no matter how tired I am I try to show you love or be there for you because I know we don’t have much time together. And he said something so important!!! HE said ‘that sounds exhausting’!!!

“And I was shocked. I began telling him that if he wants a relationship where only half the effort that I put in is shown…. I told him, that no girl would be happy with this relationship”

… I feel sorry for him because he is a genuine person and I don’t think he wants to hurt me, but he does, all the time.

…I know he loves me. And he does so much for me…. I truly feel he loves me, and I know I can do no wrong in his eyes. But there’s just something he’s holding back.
…
How do I communicate to him that if he doesn’t put the effort in, then I am no longer happy to carry on? Or how do I even show him how to put the effort in? I feel as though I am talking to a child who has no idea about the world of relationships.

“I am a complicated person and I know that, and I always have a lot to say and express.

“as soon as he does something I don’t approve of, I go into panic mode and end up running around in circles in my head, trying to control us and overthinking our every step.

“I’ve had anxiety ever since I was very young and a lot of things seem to scare me. I worry about the smallest things and make them so huge, and the reason I say I am complicated is because ones closest to me always have to listen to me talk on and on about the same issues, because I ruminate, and often have negative thoughts. I also have thought in the past that I may be a little bit bipolar; it’s insane how quickly my mood changes sometimes, from one extreme to the other”.

anita