Matt,

Question,  so this guy that you have the Chemistry with, has an ex-wife he has kids with, you as a mistress for  a time, and now a current wife?

Oh, Matt, I am afraid I am really confusing with all these “guys of mine.”

Well, to set the record straight, here is the short synopsis of my ex’s love life (my ex = #3 in my other post):

Wife #1 was from college. Married for two years. She gives birth to a child. He knows that his sperm count is low and asks for a genetic test. The baby is not his. They divorce never to communicate again.

Wife #2. Married for seven years. A son born in Year 5 of the relationship. He doesn’t want to upset his parents looking forward to a grandchild, so doesn’t ask for a genetic test. Still doesn’t know whether the boy is his or not. Says the relationship with the wife was bad even before the son was born. Divorced in Year 7.

Between marriages 2 and 3 had several affairs, two of which were with married women who (very wisely – I am surprised they did it or, rather, didn’t do it) decided against divorcing their husbands and marrying him.

Wife #3. In Year 6 meets me. Our relationship goes on until Year 12 when he meets his current wife and for three months or so tells me nothing. Divorces his wife #3 six months after meeting the current wife.

And the guy whom I finally stopped having on my mind two months ago is most often referred to by me as “most recent guy.” Here is the story from that other post.

In June, out of the blue, that guy I can’t stop thinking about now (very mildly compared to the other crushes), wrote to me. We had met before, met in the autumn of 2015, met several times for joint assignments… Besides that, I remember posting for some picture together in front of other people, my elbow against his arm, something was there… Then at a corporate meeting he barely noticed me, so I forgot about him. Then in June, I saw him again after his return from a business trip, and was surprised that he remembered my name. Then he wrote to me out of the blue. We kept the correspondence for six weeks or so (I remember thinking, “What is going on? If you want to ask me out, just ask me out!”) then he invited me to a get-together with other friends and colleagues, I couldn’t come because I had to be elsewhere because of work. Hadn’t heard from him until October 2015 when we started corresponding again (he wrote to me again). That one went pretty well until February 2016 when he stopped for good. We had one full day together talking plus met for a couple of hours for a walk and had a small talk at work one day. During that one-day meeting, he told me about his family troubles. To cut the long story short, he had been married to his high school sweatheart for 20+ years, then met somebody and went crazy. I don’t know why he didn’t divorce for that other woman, but their romance was stopped. He still couldn’t forget her all the way. So needless to say that no counselling for getting back together with his wife helped. I can count at least three times when he put his wedding ring back on and four times when he took it off. The last one was in February 2016 (put on), took off in June or July 2016. But didn’t write to me again. There were a couple of lines from him, but nothing leading to a meaningful discussion of his behavior. He flirted several times and (I think) tried to find out whether I was still single. But nothing. And oh yes, and in December 2015, after a particularly nasty quarrel with his wife, he wanted to crash on my floor. We had never even kissed, just hugged, and I had no intention to sleep with him, and by then I had read advice from men that in similar cases men should be treated as friends (one doesn’t obsess about friends if they don’t write every day, does one?), so I tried to treat him as a friend. He cancelled his visit that night adding that he “can’t have a serious relationship now. I can only be a friend, a good friend, a fun friend, but nothing more than a friend.” Well, we never went out even as friends after that, so I guess he wasn’t such a good friend after all. Then he stopped writing at all, as I mentioned above. Our paths crossed at work a couple of times, our eyes locked for what seemed like eternity, but he never wrote of his own accord. Once we even met at a friend’s party, he sought a place opposite mine, even blushed (he is red, so it is easy to see), but nothing. And then he left work altogether. I found about that on his Twitter, wrote to him a thankful letter to which received a very kind reply saying that he enjoyed our talks and correspondence and adding, “My crazy life is still crazy.” After that I forwarded him some fun stuff with no text from me, he would always reply. A couple of times, he would even ask something pertaining to those fun forward links from me. But nothing developed into meaningful discussions like before.

Maybe that’s for the better, since I remember that in 2016, I thought that he had got to know each other so well and the spark is obviously there, so come on, stop procrastinating, let’s start dating (after divorce, of course – his wife asked him out of their house and he had been renting an apartment for several months).

After reading Tiny Buddha and following similar situations with either divorcing or recently divorced men (this one is not even divorcing yet – presumably waiting for his younger daughter to whom he is very attached to graduate (in three years; son graduating this year)), I know that he has a lot of issues to address within himself, find out himself before he is good dating material. Even if he divorced and we got together, I doubt that it would last. And when he divorces (I don’t see how they can stay together given what I know and feel), he may very well seek that other woman whom he still can’t forget, he may reach out to me – again! – like he did two times already or – like my #3 – he could meet somebody new, fall in love and divorce his wife for that new lady. No guarantee that it would last either.

I remember how I was thrown aback when we met in November 2015 after that renewed correspondence lasting for one month. I thought it was some kind of a date, and he goes – straight away, upon seeing me – “I don’t want to marry, I just want to pass a nice evening” (which we did, staying up cuddling and talking until 2:30 in the morning, didn’t even kiss). Or, on that very day, he told me that he would never marry his wife again (like Elizabeth Taylor did), and then, after two or three months tried to get back with her, however involuntarily that might have been.

This kinda strikes me as something that Jay may say in the future once all of this is said and done.

Jay is not married, is he?

Not quite a fantasy world, because she is very much the same person, but from a place where she can not be concerned about the other roles that she has in our life. I am not sure that makes sense but it is a thought

You know, people with vivid imaginations (like me) often imagine some imaginary friends (like kids do) or lovers when they get older. So Jay may very well be performing that function for your wife, only he is a real person. As a side note, psychologists say that there is nothing wrong with people or kids having imaginary friends (let’s put it this way). As long as people can distinguish who is real and who is not, there is no harm.

I would say that meeting face to face would be the true tell, but I would also say that unfortunately to carrying all of the risk in that situation. I mean the fireworks could still be amazing, and the best case scenario would be that it would spark something in him to acknowledge feelings. But the downside is that it would leave everything up in the air again and you would continue having to deal with these unanswered feelings and maybe something that can’t ever be fully explored.

This is exactly what happened in August 2016 when I saw him last. We hadn’t seen each other since March, I believe. Well, there was one additional time when our eyes met across other people’s heads in the corridor, so I know that he had seen me and recognized me (but never called or texted how I was). A similar thing occurred in July 2016 when I felt somebody’s gaze on me, looked up to meet him glancing away. That was at a distance, and soon he left. Again, no call or message. And then was that friend’s party that I described above. It almost felt like a date to me, us sitting opposite each other, only surrounded by many other people. But maybe it is wishful thinking on my part.

You know, I couldn’t stand having him on my mind all this time and wrote to him in June this year saying basically that I was still interested in him. He replied almost exactly like he had written to me back in December 2015 when he cancelled his crashing on my floor. Let me quote what he replied. “Wow, [my name], I’m flattered.   And sorry.   And ugh.   I’m sorry if I caused any problems.  I have been a total mess in my life!     And super busy.   I’m with my son getting him ready for college now!    Anyway, I’m still here.   But the same old mess…”

And also given that I have seen men flutter around me only then to reveal by their actions that what they wanted was only to sleep with me, I would still not know unless he told me directly. And even if he felt something, I bet he had gotten a good lesson when he was that love-struck seven years ago to try something again while married. But I don’t think he feels something for me right now. And what he felt back then, two years ago, was close, but not what I really want. You see, we communicated so much, yet there were some things happening around (with weather, for instance) that should have made him inquire how I was doing if he really cared for me. Yet I didn’t hear from him then. Yes, I did hear later, but it was not related. Same thing this year. If he had really been that “good friend” he claimed he could be even though he couldn’t (“couldn’t” – not “wanted”!) to be in a relationship, he would have had a perfect excuse to check up on me. He didn’t.

So the only viable scenario that I can envision (but that is very unlikely) is that we somehow run into each other again, the chemistry still being there and him being already free AND healed and ready for a relationship (from what I could see on his Twitter, nothing has changed in that respect for him – he is still mentally unavailable), and off we go from scratch. As if nothing had ever taken place before.

Highly unlikely, so I am glad I stopped having him on my mind and had no problems not looking up his Twitter for a month.

But, at the same time, I can’t help thinking what a good match it might be. And I do have awesome chemistry with him. But does that mean that he feels the same chemistry with me? My experience and research shows that yes, but even with the chemistry, didn’t I have chemistry with all my exes? I did. And how it all ended? Not so good…

Amd I don’t really know him in real life, so it might be a complete illusion on my part. In writing, we discussed literally everything, up to how one handles finances!

When the relationships started getting comfortable, the feelings would always sneak up, and most of the time it ended up being the start of the end of the current relationship. Like one relationship got really serious, we had a great relationship, amazing chemistry, but something just wasn’t there. I don’t know that I can explain it in words.

So with your wife, that feeling that something wasn’t there never appeared? You and your wife went past the times when your other relationships would end, and yours still continued on a high note, just as enjoyable, with no end in sight?

I don’t think ridicule would be the response, I think they would be concerned.

Very interesting (for me). I realized that I might still be afraid of others and of life at some deep level. I mean, I am not afraid to be different on the outward and in my thoughts, but I am cautious (yes, “cautious” would be the right word) about voicing something that is unexpected and unusual for others to hear.

Thank-you so much but I am far from a perfect specimen, I have flaws. I have not been the greatest husband or father at times, but I try. I do believe I understand what you are saying though so I will try

You are a great person for me to talk to because a) you are a real man; b) your truly love your wife and c) you are not afraid and are willing to register your feelings and process where they are coming from.

but I am also raising my wifes son from a different man

One more reason for me to communicate with you ‘cause it proves how serious your approach to love and relationships is.

And that is where the difference between my feelings towards my wife and kids lie. You see my wife is my partner in crime, I need her to be with me. I need her to allow me to be myself. I need her to be there to complete me, to support me, to help me grow.

Awesome lines! They tell me that my ideal of a relationship as being partners in crime, as you put it, is not unattainable AND that men (at least, some men) can have the same attitude. You see, I am looking for a partner, first of all. I am not looking for a father (well, they say that the husband must be more experienced and more intelligent than the wife for the couple to be stable, so yes, I AM looking for somebody who knows more than I do), I am not looking for a son (God forbid – could never stand immature men), I am looking for somebody on the same level as I am, an equal partner. I believe I am also looking for somebody who has achieved something in life, but not because I am ambitious (I don’t think I am). Partially, it is because I have achieved quite a lot without connections, just talent, hard work and good luck; but mainly it is because I can’t stand the idea of my man rising high only to discover that he can’t pass the test of fame or fortune, that he is ungrateful.