Anita,

Yes, I understand.

Thanks for the detailed explanation, it means a lot to me.

I do not want to die anymore, I still have quite a few personal goals and dreams that I definitely want to do in the future. I can sense hope now.

You wrote :

“It means you don’t have hidden agendas, that you state your motives honestly, clearly.”

Can you explain about this?

—

I understand that for 4 months, I was closing myself from everyone, even my closest friends and parents.

I realise that it is not because I was too tired to explain, it was because I was afraid that they would not understand me.

It was really tiring for me, rejecting everyone that cares about me, because I was so angry … and anger is a self-defense for me to reject them before they reject me.

But if I never give those people a chance how can I find out whether they accept or reject me?

I admit that as of right now, I am still not ready to give new people chances. and that I still use anger as a self-defense and I  avoid social related events with a lot of different strangers in order not to get hurt or be shaken up mentally (considering how sensitive and vulnerable I am to critics and negative views)

I guess that I was very hurt badly (mentally) during those 4 months, I cannot remember any moment during those 4 months where I was truly happy and did not think about my ex boyfriend or KU. I cannot think of a moment where I did not feel like I was in hell.

Right now, I am not in heaven but I am not in hell anymore.

I reached out to my close friends in my home country and also my parents, they know about my current situation very well right now and is willing to take on a compromise and let me go home when I feel distressed.

I do not feel alone anymore.

I really feel their sincere support for me.

The thing is, the aftermath of all those things that happened during those 4 months was so deeply integrated inside.

Yes, most of these issues I already had before but it became somehow bigger and more intense after it.

I want to re-integerate to the real society, but a lot of the after effects of that 4 months is taking a toll as well.

-Monica