Matt,

I need some time to digest your posts and provide some insight

Please take as much time as you need. I don’t know if I am going to have some qualitative jump in my relationships with men as a result out of this interaction of ours, but it feels good to put ALL of those thoughts running through my head in writing. I am not sure whether it is a good idea to stir all those emotions and thoughts anew (especially the ones I thought I was over and done with, and it felt certainly like too much to write back then), but I can feel that there is some process ongoing in the background of my subconsciousness.

Given that I am sharing personal details concerning my feelings about my wife/marriage/life, do you think that it is something that I should share with my wife? My gut tells me that I should show her and let her read all of these posts, but on the flip side I also like the fact that this is my outlet. Maybe all I need to share with her is that I have been posting thoughts and feelings on an anonymous as a way to work through my thoughts. Or maybe it is something that does not need to be mentioned. I am not sure about this one, I can see benefits and negatives in all of them.

I can see your dilemma. I may be wrong, but this question of yours and your seeing benefits and negatives in all of them sure feels like my seeing all the aspects of my situation (all the pros and cons regarding everything – basically everywhere I say, “but there is also this” and “I don’t know”) and literally craving for some authority that I trust 100% to come in and say, “Yes, what you are doing is enough,” etc. That is why I like reading all those psychological books. BUT, Matt, in psychology there is no “norm” like in other medical disciplines. If a person is functional and is not hurting others, s/he is “normal.” That is why psychotherapists work with patients from the patients’ point of departure. That is what the patient needs to feel good and how to achieve it for that very patient. And those two things would differ from person to person. One just need to find a good expert (and that is far from being easy). I also have a great belief in psychotherapy because I was exposed to it when I had trouble falling asleep in the last year of high school before final exams. I read all sorts of books about insomnia and worry, and I needed that one small final push to get me out of the predicament. Luckily, I came across a Ph.D. practicing in our local ambulatory clinic. He was wrong as to the reason for my insomnia (he didn’t believe me that it was because of my exams and worry to get into the university of my choosing; he thought I was suffering from unrequited love), but he suggested one exercise. Matt, I talked to him once, started doing his exercise, and the next time I saw him in one week’s time was to get my clean bill of health. By the way, insomnia never returned.

So back to your question, I’d say it is just like with the other questions of yours (I needed a space where I could explore whether  a) the jealousy I was feeling was healthy, or if it meant that I should get out of my marriage b) or not a marriage is worth keeping if the two people are open and honest with each other c) if I should still love my wife knowing what I know d) if being intimate with someone else proved that you don’t love the other person anymore) – you are the one who decides. You can listen to what others are saying, take their views into account, but the ultimate decision rests upon your shoulders. By the way, not deciding anything is also a decision. Scary, huh? – Nothing is a given, nothing is certain. Just like life itself.

But back to earth. (In fact, I was wondering how your wife texting with Joe is feeling about your typing and typing something for prolonged periods of times at the same time 😉 – and maybe you stirred her jealousy a little bit in turn, hence your discussions and openness???)

Just one question for you to consider.

Does your wife show you her texts with Joe?

I am very much into fair play. So if your wife started all this in your family, and is not willing to share what she is sharing with Joe, I wouldn’t want to do more than she does for your union. Furthermore, you know that Joe is her love interest (of whatever kind and for whatever reason) and you and I are not even acquainted.

Personally, I don’t mind you sharing with her. I am aware that what I am writing here can be seen by anybody (and posts can’t be deleted once posted). I prefer to ask for men’s opinions regarding my dealings with men (that is why I ignore relationship books written by women), but I always welcome insights. Maybe she would have something to tell me as well.

The choice is yours. 😉

Or maybe you can tell her that you are exploring your feelings anonymously and ask her if she is okay with it. Maybe she won’t even want to take a look.

My ex, in-between his marriages (actually, while still in love with a married woman) was doing something similar on a dating site (see how he was surrounding himself with backup options?). He and the girl never met (even though his married love interest told him no two months later), but their communication was very insightful and deep. He emailed it all to me (omitting pictures and personal details) when trying to convince me that I shouldn’t be afraid of his advances and that he was a thinking person worth falling for.

I wish I could be of more help…

Have a fantastic weekend, no rush in replying. Funny how I stumbled across somebody on this site again, purely by accident (I didn’t make that many attempts, but still) and it proved to be such a great communication. Chance does rule the world! 😉

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