Anita,

Sorry too hear that, hearing your sisters story, I realise that I do not want to live my life in the past.

I have to move forward, because maybe in the future there is a bigger chance that I will be even happier than when I was 15/16, you know?

I have to give it a chance and open myself up to new opportunities as well.

Today for some reason, I think about Gyunnie, which leads me to a distressed feelings as usual.

I missed my usual bus to go back home from KU today, before I met him, I would just take the taxi if it is too late (the usual bus was already shut off for the day) but one time I was with Gyunnie, and he taught me to take another bus and get off at one stop away from my house and just take another bus from there or walk to my house.

It seems like nothing, but those are … little painful traces that Gyunnie was once with me.

He made little changes that goes unnoticed.

I for quite a long time has been considering to dye my hair platinum (as a joke in as sense because my original hair is jet black, and I do not want to ruin it) but I have been curious about dying it.

Last semester, I almost dyed it but Gyunnie told me that he did not think that it was a good idea to dye it platinum.

I debated this with him not necessarily because I really wanted to dye it but because of a few things that he said before. I asked him about how he accepts me as I am and told me stuff like outer appearance does not matter to him –  but why did he refused to gave me permission to dye my hair?

I mean I will still be me, even with platinum hair.

I am an arguer and I do not like losing, usually I would debate until I win and the other person loses, but Gyunnie gave me this answer :

Me : “You said that you do not judge people based on their appearance, why won’t you allow me to dye my hair then?”

Gyunnie : “Of course, I never judge people by their appearance but I still judge them based on their choices”

It sounded and still sounds … very cool.

I do not know why but the fact that he was able to turn over my argument, it was for the first time in my life that I truly consider what someone had said to me, besides my parents and my best friend Jessica.

I realise that at some point for 4 months, I saw him as God, and I was indeed delusional.

Now, that I live in reality, the reality stays the same, it never really change in the first place.

Gyunnie was a smart young man, and he was a nice person, he of course has also his fair share of weakness as well, and I can see them right now.

There were a few things that Gyunnie could have done better or said  better. There were a lot of things in our relationships that was not perfect and it was not something that I want to have in my next relationship, but there were also good times.

Today, in particular, I remember the good times more than I remember the bad times.

He was someone that taught me so many lessons in my life, yes, I learnt it by myself, but he in a sense indirectly helped me. If I had never met or dated him, I would be in a different place and having a different mindset.

I think that If I look back to my life in Korea someday in the far future, I would think about KU and I would think about Gyunnie.

Regardless of everything, it will be a fond memory to me.

Just today, I am sounding emotional and sad, I feel like it is a process of living in the reality to have that normal feelings of missing him but at the same time I can still live and breathe like other human beings. I can still smile and laugh as well.

Just tonight, I want to feel and accept this feelings of missing him.

I think it is normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

Am I right?

-Monica