Dear not so lost star,

You are welcome to call and refer me as Monica 🙂

I can feel that I am feeling distressed at the moment, my reply to you might be not be as clear or as definite as when I am at a moment where I feel calm.

You wrote : “I see that there are two parts of you being torn here – one part of you buys into what your parents tell you about happiness (having to be successful, marrying well, etc) while one part of you feels that maybe a different life from what your parents have prescribed exists (cos you are feeling the effects of following that path of success which is highly stressful and you are valued based on your achievements, not for you yourself). And your pain comes from trying to reconcile these two parts of yourself.”

I can relate to this sentence very much. The truth is I have no idea what real happiness is, I do not even know how it might feel and I cannot imagine it as well. I do not think that I can even differentiate real happiness vs fake happiness yet.

I know what I wanted to do roughly is to move college to Singapore, and the truth is – it was possible for me to move, you might have read that I talked to my parents about it around 2-3 weeks ago, and they let me (with a very heavy heart as well) to move. I finally decided to went against moving after thinking of a solution, which is to flight back home every time I feel distress or have the urge to move to Singapore.

Yes, plane tickets are expensive (around $600-700 round trip) and there was no such deal before to go home that often but my father agreed, since he was desperate to keep me studying here at KU, moving to Singapore would waste more time and waste even more money. I feel supported by my parents for the first time ever, and that is quite a big thing for me, that my father says that he just does not want to see me give up half way, he will support whatever it takes to get me graduated from KU.

I have been thinking about moving to Singapore, moving to a lower class university there, without having any guarantee that I will live a happier life there or a better jobs prospect, the truth is, my expectations about moving to Singapore is merely an expectations, there is NO way to guarantee that life there would be better than my life here in Korea. I have spent 1 year in this hell country, I feel like one year is a long period and I have suffered during that period as well, those moment of suffering would be a “waste” If I give up in the middle of the way and move to Singapore.

The second big reason is the fact that my current university has a very good reputation and a prestigious university, you can ask any Koreans, there wouldn’t be anyone that does not say “Wow” every time I mention my university, KU has become a part of me and my identity .. and I was not sure and still not sure If I am ready to let that big identity go. I am not sure If I can live saying that I used to be a student there but I gave up.

I did not have the confidence and still does not have the confidence that I will be the happiest and most successful person If I move to Singapore, I feel like forcing myself and my parents to move was a very stupid thing to do when I was not sure. I am still not sure about what I will do in the future as well, all I can think about is living my life the way that I want to, the best that I can.

I get easily irritated by anyone these days, from ambitious people who is hungry for good grades, to my gay friends that keeps talking about his straight crush, to my best friend Jake (whom I still somehow in a sense resented for liking me as more than friends) and I also hate the fact that I cannot even confront him because I cannot afford to lose him as a friend or a companion at this period of my life either.

If I do all the things that I want to do, my life wouldn’t be so nice. I would have a lot of enemies, a lot of anger stares and I would also lose my best friend. I learn that in real life, you cannot do all the things that you want to do. Sometimes, you just have to hold it in and forgive.

I am 19 (almost 2o in 8 days!) and I feel lost. My parents told me that is ok to feel lost now, I can figure it out later and that was one of the most comforting advice that they ever gave me. The consequences of feeling lost is, I often lash out. I have a lot of unexplained anger that stems from being lost, being misunderstood, being alone most of the time, being doubted most of the time, being demanded from society, my own parents, even my friends.

I think that for a very long time, I used to live in a bubble that my parents and my teachers created, once I enter the university, I realise that the bubble has popped off, I found myself alone and unprotected. It is a scary feeling, the feeling of being an adult. I admired the adults for being so brave, for never giving up and continuing their life.

You asked : “What would you say to her it is that you want and desire for?”

I want to be happy and content with my life. Happiness is not bought with money, or defined by grades, or university, happiness is something from within. It does no matter whether it is in Korea or Singapore, I would go wherever there is happiness. Anyplace that can give me happiness and a peace of mind.

The mindset that I have right now is : It is ok. It is ok to be a little late, at the end of the day you are still going to go. Do not compare yourself with others, I just want to walk happily in a path that I want to walk in. If it gets hard in the middle, it is ok to take a rest, because I know that I will get up again. This is just a phase that I will get through someday.

Rather than thinking about success, I think about my well being and my happiness now. Instead of just holding it all without sharing my concerns and anxiety to anyone, I share with my parents now, I try to be as open as possible. If I am having a hard time, I will call them, and book a flight ticket. Currently, I miss my parents very much. My father won’t be in my home country when I get back home next week for my birthday because he has a business trip to New York, I feel very sad. But my mom and my grandma will be there for my birthday and we will go eat whatever that I want! I want to eat seafood. Hehe.

My friends will also celebrate with me, we already made so much plans together for the short 4 days of my stay. They all think that me coming home is very necessary at this kind of period. I do not need going to a fancy restaurant or expensive gifts on my birthday, I just want to go home and relax my mind, and forget my burden and worries that I have in Korea.

Yes, I am not in the best situation but I am not in the worst either.

I believe (or I want to believe) that things will definitely get better in the long run, with the right attitude.

I have hopes that I will be happy again in the future, even happier than when I was 15/16

Thank you for checking up on me and posting on my thread again, means a lot to me. I hope that my explanation above is clear and not confusing. Feel free to ask any kind of question or post any kind of feedback.

-Monica x