Dear Rich:

You wrote: ” i could go on surviving but i really want to believe that life can actually be enjoyable”- my experience with surviving-and-suffering vs. enjoying, experiencing joy:

following so much suffering, any excitement became uncomfortable for me, including joy. All I wanted was to feel numb. Later, while healing, calm was good enough for me.

More presently, I am experiencing moments of joy and it feels so .. strange, a new experience. I had bouts of joy before, throughout life, as I believe the brain takes breaks from misery, it has to. But it is different now. Still it takes getting used  to it. As the anxiety lessens, as the misery is reduced, joy is made possible… in small portions, gradually, bit by bit. And of course, I don’t expect it to ever be an all-the-time experience.

anita