Dear Michael:

I read your post attentively. Toward the end you wrote this: “In my head… was telling me its ok … youre feeling pain. Make yourself feel better about things. BUT…its at the expense of who you really are”.

I think that what you mean by “who you really are” (and let me know if you agree) is what you value. And your addictions, your efforts to not feel pain are incongruent with your values.

When we escape pain at the expense of what we value, there is conflict, and shame. And so, the escaping of pain is followed by… pain.

I think your mother, when she was alive, operated with a similar goal in mind: to escape pain. She found that escape with men, your step father and then Stuart, and dating before and in between. She did so at the expense of you, of her mothering responsibility. She overdosed to escape her pain as well.

If she only valued and was true to the value of being a loving, present mother to you, much of your pain wouldn’t be there.

Do focus on what you value. When inclined to escape your pain, a natural inclination, think, if you will: is this escape congruent with what I value?

What you shared about your ex girlfriend leads me to think that you value true love, the way your ex girlfriend did care about your well-being. I hope you post again.

anita