Dear Reader:

I often write that interactions and relationships between people need to be Win-Win, win for both parties engaged. It is only this morning that it occurred to me what my Win in this communication with the original poster (OP) is a new understanding that I didn’t have before, an understanding that started to take hold yesterday but matured only this morning. I would like to develop this understanding here and share it with the reader. Following this post there will be one or more to follow, this very morning.

Yesterday, following my latest interactions with the OP I thought to myself: was I unfair to the OP, lacking empathy or patience with her on her time of need, by terminating the communication? Did I turn away from her at her time of experiencing pain?

Let’s look at her post from yesterday: the OP heard news about her ex boyfriend of four months, that he was planning to watch a music concert and seemed to look forward to it, happy about the anticipated event. Her response: “it kills me… so much. I fall apart… He is… happy. He is… doing well. He’s alive. He’s probably the happiest in his life right now, without me… he got accepted… he got his parents support and he is just living his life to  the fullest. While I am here. I am stuck. … I don’t want him to be happy or ok. I want him to suffer…I am begging, pleading, wishing that he is not okay” 

At this point what the OP is experiencing, clearly, is intense anger, rage. She wants him to suffer. She is troubled that he appears happy and that he is … alive.

In my response to the OP yesterday I wrote regarding her purpose, or motivation: “the purpose of drawing attention to yourself, empathetic attention“- and this is where I was wrong. Her motivation was not to draw empathetic attention, but to make another person suffer. Her motivation to make him suffer is so intense that she was “begging, pleading, wishing that he is not okay”.

On that same first post of yesterday, she wrote: “I want him to suffer, even as little as 1/10 of what I am feeling”- suggesting that her pain is enormous and one tenth of it would be pain enough.

She continued: “I wish him to feel THIS pain that I am feeling” – indicating via capital letters (THIS) how great her pain is.

She continues: “Why am I the only one suffering?”- she doesn’t want to be the only one suffering. She wants him to suffer too. This indeed is her motivation: to make him suffer.

She wrote: “Feeling an unberable amount of pain, alone”- notice, “unbearable” to describe her pain. And she continues: “Fighting a lonely battle with myself…I am NOT well. Very far from it”- again, capital letter, and “very far” to indicate the extreme nature of her pain, greater than any pain ever experienced by anyone.

In the past communications with the OP I didn’t see this, I thought she was honestly expressing her pain, that indeed it was great. Although I am sure she has been and is experiencing pain, in this post, her strong motivation is to make another person suffer.

She exaggerates her pain to deliver this message to the ex boyfriend: Suffer for THIS pain that you caused me! Suffer for the unbearable amount of pain! Suffer for me being NOT well. Suffer for me being Very far from (well)“!

Another post will follow.

anita