Wow, what a journey wildoceanflower, your story really touched me as I have went through my own heartbreak these past few years. I am still healing, healing more and more each day, it looks like you’ve been doing your best to cope with the situation as best as  possible. Now the next step is entirely for you: be free. Harder said then done but do something that will jolt you out of this routine. I can feel your pain, and I believe that you can work toward healing. I also discovered I’m  my own worse enemy, may I recommend a book, it’s called “Stop Saying You’re Fine” by Mel Robbins. The books calls for action and I think you may enjoy it and resonate with it. You may not have the kids or the husband you desire at the moment, but please don’t think it is too late, my advice is to go completely No contact with the ex and keep on the path of self discovery. Make a list of something you would like to achieve, my wildest one so far is to hike a mountain. Your still here and for a reason remember that.

Lea