Dear Anita,

I’ve no trouble falling asleep, usually within minutes of turning off the light.  If I was angry I’d not be able to fall asleep initially. You’re correct in that once I’m awake my mind automatically wanders to questioning his behavior – going over events that occurred, trying to analyze how someone supposedly cared so much can abandon that person without as much as a word. I consider myself to be a pretty peaceful person. I’ve not even gotten so mad at someone that my heart is racing. The anger I feel sometimes is mostly toward me, for not able to stop thinking about it. I don’t regret the time we spent together. I enjoyed my time with him. If he had deviated (any hints of flakiness) I would have picked it up. There was none, therefore, I know he also truly enjoyed my company and shared his authentic self with me.

I’ve not heard him speaking negatively about anyone. He spoke highly of his exes and is still very close to both. Both exes are married but he continues to meet one ex regularly so that could be a reason why he’s holding back from me. He brought her up various times and lit up when he saw her name on a shirt. He also told me that we’d never have met if she and him had wanted the same things. He claimed he broke up with her over 5 years ago. I’m not sure if he brought her up to make me jealous or still has feeling for her – having a fantasy relationship with her in his head to prevent from getting too serious with anyone. This is a big red flag to me.

With us, we shared an extremely intense chemistry. I mentioned before I don’t find him particularly attractive in terms of looks but there’s some force beyond my understanding at work that magnetically pulled us together. The strong emotion and intensity left me very uncomfortable and I’m sure he felt the same. Here we were, barely knew each other yet experienced the intense emotion and passion was unsettling for people not used to it.  When the ‘love’ hormones is released, women want to bond, whereas men want to retreat to the man cave if they’re uncomfortable and that is what I think happened.  This time I retreated knowing how he had been in the past because it was excruciating to be waiting around without acknowledging my emails, especially in the digital age where it takes seconds to respond. He probably didn’t want to treat me ‘special’ because we were not in a relationship.  I realized this relationship aroused considerable anxiety in him, which caused him to react by hurtful withdrawals.  I feel sympathetic toward the trapped spirit within him and I’ve forgiven him. I just wish I could put this behind sooner rather than later.   Posting here is cathartic!  I thank you for taking your time to help me and the others.