I can believe that he occasionally felt guilted into staying with me. There were times where I felt as though I remained with him out of a sense of obligation, as I was concerned about his mental well being. I did try to leave him once, but he showed up at my doorstep a week later and we resumed our dance.
My ex’s father was extraordinarily hard on him. He expected – demanded – perfection and would constantly judge and criticize him. Things his father said to him YEARS ago he would tell me about and admit they they still irritate and hurt him to this day.
His father, to me, sounded as though he suffered from depression. My ex said shortly before his father’s death he told him that his children were grown, he was retired, and he felt as though he really had no more purpose left to his life. His marriage was on the rocks… he was not living with his wife at the time. My ex was present at the time of the homicide/suicide, although he was outside of the house with the police so he didn’t personally witness it. This occurred 6 years ago when he was 25.
He said he very seriously considered suicide after the death of his parents but sought out some therapy and tried to deal with it. He constantly said to me “I hate using the death of my parents as an excuse for my behavior, but..” and then would go on to justify whatever he’d done using the pain of his parents’ death as a reason. I never blamed him for that – I always said I understood that the loss of his parents is something that will always affect him. However, my ex never personally accepted responsibility for really any of the major issues in his life. It was always the fault of someone else.
Anyhow… I’m trying to put him behind me. I do not think we will ever communicate with each other again, which is probably for the best. Part of me was attracted to him BECAUSE he was so unstable… I wanted to help him, to fix him. The darkness in him was alluring. I know all of this is unhealthy and I will be seeking therapy to help understand why I am that way.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 