Dear Anita,

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending so much time in reading, researching, thinking and writing to give me clear picture of the issue. That is so kind of you.

After reading your post, I researched a bit more about what was going on, and why am I the way I am. I mean, I wasn’t born to be this way. Certain things in the past might have happened that triggered it all.

All in all, you’re absolutely right. I have been driving myself with the help of just feelings in the past decade and even before that. I never paused and be practical. Things I have learnt –

1. I’m a procrastinator – be it relationships, work or school

2. I believe I might be addicted to unhappiness and misery. After researching on the web a little, I realized that sometimes people are afraid to be happy. So, in my case, even though she made me incredibly happy, I was never in the moment, and thought to myself that this was all temporary. This might have stemmed from my experience from years ago. Several years ago, I was living with some folks and always felt miserable and unhappy but I had to live with them because I had nowhere else to go. Since then, those unhappy moments never left my mind. Could it be that I became so comfortable being unhappy that my mind and body yearn for that unhappiness? After all, if I was getting so much love and attention from this lady, why would I let her go?  Other that the fact that I wasn’t true to myself or to her about the reality of the situation. I’m not sure.

3. As a child, I was very intelligent and got addicted to parents and other praising me for always being the first in class. My parents and others had huge expectations from me, and I sometimes would feel miserable doing what they wanted me to so I could make them happy.  I could never say no to anyone in fear of them not liking me. In a way, I became addicted to misery to gain approval from others. Could that be somehow connected to my current state of mind?

4. In the last several years, I did not get what I wanted out of life. I wanted to do so many things but there has always been obstacles that prevented me from living my true self, so I relaxed into some comfort and laziness to tackle what I couldn’t change and tried to be patient to get what I wanted. For example, in the back of my mind, I have always wanted to be someone who people admired, someone who had amazing stories to tell, someone who is incredible. These unrealistic expectation from myself made me dissatisfied because I could not attain any of them for several reasons – laziness, procrastination, unrealistic expectations.

So, in a way, I was never in the present moment and always looked at my shortcomings and the things I did not achieve in life, instead of focusing on great things that I received and those which I chose to comfortably ignore. Honestly, there was not even a single reason for me to let her go, other than “indifference towards her”. But when she left, I felt the void. Perhaps, the reality was that I was so happy with her, but my mind is addicted to unhappiness that I punished myself. How true is that?

If time allows you, can you please see a trend that might be more helpful in letting me free of this nagging pain? I am beginning to see a pattern here, but it will be more helpful if you could jump in to provide your analysis of it.

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