X,

Okay here goes, lets see if we can close some of these loops.

That men need a challenge? I read about it in another book, too.

I think the challenge is inherent. There are enough challenges living life and holding a steady relationship is challenging for anyone. I don’t think you need to lower your standards. You should never settle, but that does not mean that you can not find all sorts of men interesting, and on the same note not all men you find interesting are going to be worth settling down with.

I can see that all of a sudden I become so enthusiastic about my relationship that I have the man CONSTANTLY on my mind when doing anything, even those activities that normally would captivate me so much that I would forget anything

This is the phase of a relationship that might be the most fun. It is infatuation/lust whatever. I think there is probably a biological and evolutionary reason for this.But this is the biggest challenge in a relationship, how do you keep this feeling after so many years. Should a relationship be over once this feeling is gone? Can I rediscover this relationship in my marriage after 7 years? I actually think it is possible, but I am finding out it takes a lot of work.

 treat all men as you would treat friends until they explicitly say that they want to be something more than a friend.

Devils advocate: Besides saving yourself from heartache, why not be true to those feelings that you might have? If you meet someone who makes things move inside you, what are the risks of addressing those feelings? So you have committed to behaving like this and so far it hasn’t worked, why not try something different. Get out of your comfort level, approach some guy you find attractive and be the initiator.

That is I can hardly imagine being intimate with them, but I know that they would make great partners AND I also know that if any other guy like “most recent guy” or either one of those two came along, I would be smitten and it would be unfair to these “great partners.”

So do you think there is a difference between a great partner and someone who lights your fire and you can be smitten with. I see you might be trying to lower your own expectations. Are you scared of being totally heart broken? It feels like there are all sorts of safety nets around your relationship life. Heartbreak is scary as hell, the thought of my wife leaving me and breaking my heart would be the worst thing that could happen. I would be devastated. But I have come to a realization that if my wife chose someone else over me, it would not be the end of the world. It would suck, and hurt, and be awful, but I would hope that I would figure it all out and move on with life.

If I try to detach and look at it, I would say I am close to where you seem to have been. That is a) I am not desperate for a relationship, I quite enjoy being by myself, in fact, I think I am closer to nor really care at all; b) I do my best to have as much exposure to men as I possibly can; c) I have finally reached a point where I can live in the present moment and look forward to how any given day is going to unfold.

I am not sure if there is anything else I can do. Or am I missing something?

I think you are where you need to be, living life, having fun, and enjoying every minute you can. But you do need to realize that you don’t need to be in relationships with men who are unavailable from the beginning, and that in order to find love you need to be able to risk losing love and heartbreak.

They were clear about the problem, still loved each other, but nevertheless decided to part ways. I couldn’t understand it and still can’t, the romantic in me screaming, “But you love each other!!!”

This is very thought provoking, relationships are hard, and are always changing. People change and to stay in love you need to be able to find a way to keep the relationship fresh. So here is a question I have with your relationships, even though the men you fell for were already taken, how hard should you fight for someone you love? I don’t really know how to get this thought out of my head. Do you think you loved someone so much that you would fight for them. That isn’t exactly what I am trying to ask, but I can’t find the right sentence structure for this. I love my wife, that love is so strong that I would do almost anything to keep that love. But day to day, that Love is up and down….Does that make sense?

I think I am starting to ramble now, I will continue with the other post tomorrow evening. let me know what that interesting thought you came up with is. Have a great day and I will have more later.

Matt