Dear abi:

I read your post slowly and attentively. This is my understanding, at this point:

your boyfriend has significant mental health issues. He has been obsessed with this woman you refer to as his ex. She was probably not his girlfriend, and if she was, it was not for long. They may not have had sex at all, or it they did, it might have been a one time thing, perhaps when intoxicated. Everything he told you about this woman and about a relationship with her is suspect to me, probably made up. Not true, not real.

His obsession with her predated you, has gone on throughout the relationship and is still going on: the reason he doesn’t talk about her is that you do. If you stopped talking about her, bringing her up, he would do it himself.

Why is he obsessed, I am thinking that she triggers in him strong feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, rejected, feelings from childhood.

If you talked to this woman, it will be, I am thinking, an amazing experience for you.

Unless he attended serious psychotherapy, for a long, long time,  such dysfunction on his part, cannot just go away. Again, if you stop bringing her up, he will. Or some other, new obsession will take hold.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita