Dear Jenny Lynn:

Because it is your life, you should aim at your own well-being above anyone else’s. I think he should move out unless he expresses to you an awareness his believing that he  is less than others, that you think of others as more worthy than him (a projection of his own belief that others are more worthy than him), and unless he is willing to work on it. Not with a psychotherapist necessarily or right away, but with you.

This work will be  possible if you present to him the need that you both help each other.

First, you and him will need  to come up with some practical, immediate solutions (if you are to continue to live together and postpone him moving  out, or reconsider it later): the non stop spending  of time together, especially at home, needs to stop. You will need alone time during  the weekends, not only during  the week.

Second, he will need to learn to endure his distress when he gets jealous of you spending time with friends (he  will feel that distress again and  again), without reacting to it by expressing  it to you in indirect ways. He can tell you, if he wants, that he feels jealous, inferior etc. That will be honest, direct expression. Blaming you for his jealousy (that way preceded your presence in  his life) will not be honest.

So, if he is not to become aware, just enough to motivate him to change his behavior, then he should move out. It is your responsibility to promote and protect your well-being.

You are not so angry at him now because he is working a lot and you do have that much needed alone time, and having  that alone time you crave some  togetherness with him (I wonder if  he thought about this…) – and that is all the evidence that you need to realize and to share with him that alone time (alone or just away from him, as with friends) is  what you need, and  that is not negotiable.

You can change your mind… or consider changing your mind. This is your right.

anita