Thank you both again.
Anita you wrote “Would you like to elaborate on why your family was of no support to you when you were sick, at 25, going through such a difficult time?”
Being from conservative culture these things are not discussed openly even with parents sometimes. It has been difficult for me to open up about these things with them. We were geographically very far too. Also all they understand is about depression and not really about how isolated, tormented, anxious and fearful I felt during difficult traumatic times. I guess they did whatever they could do best for me in their best ability. This trauma and negative event has left lasting impression on my mind and my mental health. Having said this I have already seen psychologist and also psychiatrist to overcome these issues. Currently I am on couple of medications under professional guidance. Even I have done some research around testicular cancer and it’s causes and been unable to find any concrete evidence to say that my way of masturbating has caused this. But somehow my brain had just decided to feel guilty, bad, depressed, anxious etc about myself as I can expect too much from myself at times. Perhaps it’s due to not having great self esteem and being harsh on myself etc. from beginning due to my difficult schooling. As I had mentioned before somewhere down there I believed that self love and being gentle with own-self is for soft people. I have never even smoked and still got cancer was also one of the mental thought pattern during those times. All in all it was very difficult time for me mentally than physically. I still can’t drink coffee as it gives me anxiety. But as I said I am “trying” to look after myself with some kindness and self love. I am just trying and I am not sure where it will lead. Also trying to develop a thought that someone is above me and helping me to get through this. But first step I believe is to be bit more gentle/kind and increase self esteem which I believe has always been low.
I hope this all makes sense to you. thank you
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