Dear calisister:

My understanding: your motivation is to perform, not to enjoy. That was your mother’s motivation for you, the motivation she instilled in you.

She had company on its way to visit so she sent you out, telling the company, I suppose, that her daughter is with friends. You went out alone performing, that is, in your mother’s friends’ mind, you were successfully socializing. And your mother enjoyed what her friends thought.

So you are alone, killing time, while your mother is having fun with her visitors. See, the motivation on her part (and on your part, as a result) is not that you enjoy but that you perform, that is, do what needs to be done.

Alone, killing time, performing in Cosa Rica, on the hike, in a music concert.

One day you will quit this performing job. You can start now. Notice anything you may be doing so to please your mother, anything at all, and stop doing it. This is where you start: Now. With your mother.

anita