Dear Stephania:

Like you wrote, “Being sad is OK, being angry is OK”. We feel what we feel, and whatever it is that we feel is okay to feel.

How we act needs to be a result not only of how we feel but what we think, what we value. I value acting assertively and not harming myself and others, so when I feel angry, I think: what will be the responsible action to follow, if any. Is there something I need to say or do so to assert myself, to solve a problem, to try and help another?

He needs to be responsible for the ways he expresses his feelings and so do you. You can talk with him about such expressions, and about alternatives.

Trying to make him happy, or expecting him to feel happy is ineffective, doesn’t work for anyone’s advantage. Remember, it is okay for him too, to feel anything he feels, including feeling unhappy in your company, with you in his life.

Things as they have been in your life with him need to change, I believe.

anita