Dear Joyce:

When the two of you said to each other that you were going to leave your pasts behind you, you determined to do the impossible. It is a good intent, to move on from the past, but it can’t be done quickly or easily. The past is imprinted in our brain in neuropathways that get automatically activated in the present. At any one moment, we have nothing but the past (a moment before, a day before… a decade before) imprinted or recorded in our brain, ready to be activated.

Over time new experiences are available to us, but we need to be patient and relax into these experiences, being treated well by this guy, for one, let this experience sink in. Then it will be the… past experience to be relied on in the future.

When you are triggered it is not necessary to tell him every time, to expect him to fix your distress. Sometimes it will be effective to communicate with him, at other times, you can recognize the triggered experience and calm yourself with realistic thinking of the present as well as deep, slow breathing, relaxing, without his input.

“Why is it so hard to believe that he’s just a genuinely wonderful guy?”- because it takes time to absorb new information, new experience, new thinking and feeling. It takes time to feel safe after being scared for so long.

anita