* Dear Cali Chica (and calisister, of course):

Thank you for your appreciation of me and you are welcome. What an informative, accurate, I believe, and supportive post, above. Glad you posted it. You wrote that calisister endured pain all her life, since she was a young child. She had a precocious understanding as an adolescent, an understanding that came with lots of guilt and confusion. She is currently at a crossroad, a rock bottom. She has been at such in the past but at those times, she returned to work, to interacting with her parents and to getting more abuse from them. Therefore, in the past, no enlightenment, no healing took place.

Your advice to calisister to not tell your parents about this is excellent for all the reasons you listed.

My input at this point, to calisister: you shared with me before how during a concert, when you intend to enjoy yourself, you give yourself instead a hard time, putting pressure on yourself with: are you enjoying yourself? Is this the best time ever?

That voice in your head abuses you even when your only job is to have fun.

When you expressed yesterday your intent to take a break from the post doctorate program, the rotation phase, you wrote that you must take on healing, once you take that break. I think that this voice I mentioned, that voice will abuse you when intent on healing as well, just as it does when you intend to have fun. No matter what, there it is, that voice. It may say something like this: are you healing now? Are you making this break worthwhile… or are you wasting this time, failing…?

This voice has to be dealt with in the process of healing as soon as possible. Can’t eliminate it. Have to notice it when it speaks, then disengage it, dismiss it. Replace it with your own voice, stating other thoughts that at true to reality and congruent with healing.

It is your parents’ input into your brain that gave birth to this voice. They keep fueling this voice every time you have contact with them.

Even if all contact with them was eliminated, there would still be that voice. And it can be noticed and dismissed through practice.

But there is more to it: not all of your brain, outside this voice, believes in what you knew to be true since you were a teenager. Only recently you posted on your thread here, that if you ended all contact with your parents, you would be truly alone. This means that part of you still finds comfort in them.

This comfort, this feeling of not being alone when in contact with them is in your way to healing. Congruent with healing is having comfort somewhere else.

Safety is what we all need, a feeling of safety. As long as your feeling of safety, calisister, is with your parents, you cannot heal. Safety must be located away from your parents.

As a child you had no other option but to find a way to feel somewhat safe with your parents. You had no choice. You have that choice now, as an adult, to form the intent to find safety elsewhere, an adequate sense of safety.

I hope to read from you soon, wondering what you are thinking and feeling…

anita