Yeah, yeah.

I know he likes me, other guys I’ve hung up with have stopped talking to me at the point they realised I was more into that than them. This one no, he keeps talking to me when I reach out to him, he keeps following me on social medias, today he tagged me on a post. I confess today I am feeling well. I sent him a goodnight message yestarday round 11 p.m. and he answered to it, wishing a goodnight and good morning in advance (which I read and replied today), a few minutes later, he tagged me.

As I told you, I had never been in a real relationship, but with him, I could see something working, some routine. From our third date on, we would meet at least once a week after work or on weekends. The first time we spent the night together was my first sleep over with a guy (up to that moment I would spend the afternoon/evening out but never the whole night until next morning) and you know, sleeping by his side and waking up with him was so beautiful. I remember waking up before him, looking at him sleeping and he must have heard me and woke up, looked at me and whispered “good morning” and kissed me. Then he went to the hall to smoke and I sat on his legs and put my arm over his shoulder. And it was amazing, just amazing, I wish I could spend all my days like this.

On FWB matter, well… When I was younger, I wouldn’t mind whether I would hang out with someone or not. I was more introvert and preferred to spend the time at home reading books and writing. Actually, up to my 15 I had only kissed one guy. After that, I became friends with a girl that enjoyed reading a lot of books and she kinda influenced me on being just like her. I started reading Jane Austen and became a huge fan of her characters, mainly the main ones, that are very feminist at the point of saying “I need no man”, and I got like “I need no man” as well.

But when I joined a theater course, I started realizing how much of my time I had wasted just on reading books and writing, people would talk about parties, and kissing, and having sex, and I was still a virgin. It made me feel ashamed, but at the same time I had spent so long without even kissing that all I could think was “I’m ugly. No one will ever be interested in me…”, but some of the boys in my theater group had tried something, but my selfsteem was so low, I couldn’t realize they were actually interested. One of them, I did realize, but I couldn’t picture myself kissing him, so I let this opportunity pass.

Some years later, at another theater course, I was at a party with some people and one mutual friend started talking to me, we were a little high and we ended up kissing. After years, that was the second boy I was kissing ever. While we were kissing, I was thinking “OMG I remember how to kiss. OMG he got some interest in me.” And it was cool. I tried talking to him later but he made it clean he was just into me on that day. Then I realized “Ok, someone can be interested in me just for a day, for a moment”. But it increased my selfsteem. At that time, btw, I was already sick of still being a virgin. So I put in my mind “I need to meet someone I can finally have my first experience with”, so I downloaded an app, started talking to some guys, met one of them, we met once just to know each other, on the second time, it was finally to get it done.

It was good. At that time, it was wonderful, but today, when I remember it is like “it was good, but I’ve been through better ones”. Anyway, with this guy I first had sex with, there was nothing settled. We would talk day in day out. Spend some days without talking. But after a month without seeing each other, I asked him (trough whatsapp) if he wouldn’t be interested in meeting again? And he started meeting twice a month after that, my third experience with a guy, and I started getting some delight in it. Finally kissing, holding hands, hugging in public (with an observation: when it was in a public place where we would hardly meet someone he knows, once we went to a mall around his house, he didn’t allow me to hold his hand).

But after seven months, I was already into it. More than I could control. I would spend evenings crying because I somehow knew it wasn’t a real relationship. He realized it and started ignoring me. It took me months to finally get over him. After that, a guy in my job asked me out and we did. He said he was interested in me, he was kinda in love with me, that he had never liked a girl like he felt he liked me, but the guy was a trainee, 19 years-old. We hung out four days and most of the time we would spend kissing, because there was no talk between us. I would say something and he would come up with something entirely different. I thought he was just like me, a young boy wanting to have his first experience, because we had set to go to a motel but one day before, my mom had told me she got fired and that got me down. I told him “Boy, I don’t feel like hanging out tomorrow for this reason” and he started “You’re making this up because you don’t wanna see me. I was so excited about seeing you. I’m very disappointed” and now it was my time to ignore someone.

After that, again, I met another guy, this time on Tinder. We spent two weeks talking until he said “my family is gonna be out for a month, do you feel like coming over my place?”, I went and he tried to have sex, but I was on my period, so, we just ate some pizza and said goodbye. This one never showed any interest but in having sex. We met three times. This first one that didn’t work, and two other times, both to have sex.

And finally, we got to this one. We started talking in November. And, as I said, with him, I could see some routine. I day by day life. And with this guy there was actually a real talk. We could talk about any and everything. He is so similar to me, in matters of sense of humor, personality. We would talk about movies, music, characters, make fun at each other. He wouldn’t mind walking hand in hand with me, kissing, holding, at times he would ask me for a kiss. He would send random stuff on whatsapp. There was a moment when we were still cool that I thought “OMG we’re like boy and girlfriend”. And there was always something to talk. Once we met and I forgot he had told me something and asked about it, later on that day he said “I thought you were a little distant today because you asked me stuff I had already told you”, he would name his friends (something others wouldn’t do, it was always “a friend of mine”), this one know “Oh, once I pretended I had a fight with Carl and everyone was like “WTF happened? You are friends since you were babies!!”” or “My friend Daniel who lives downtown”. He asked “What if I called you to hang out with my friends?” but this day hasn’t come.

Anyway, I had some high expectations with him, indeed. That’s why I feel disappointed. It is like “it doesn’t make sense. There must be a missing piece in this puzzle”.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Maria.