Yes, what you said makes sense. He tells me that its not my fault. He said in a round about of sorts basically yeah he gained 50lbs; because the women he loves happens to enjoy cooking and going out to eat and if she’s making cupcakes “I GUESS IM eating cupcakes” lol. He’s told me, even if he could go back he would do it again. That makes me feel better but I still hate to see him so down.

As I child it just always seemed like no one really cared about how I actually FELT. They concerned themselves about my WELLBEING , my “NEEDS” and sustenance of my life.

My feelings were easily hurt. In hindsight though typing this now the thought actually comes into my head that maybe It wasn’t that my feelings were hurt so easily as much as people never really cared about how they spoke to me or what they said about me.

I used to cry a lot as a child (7-14). Pretty close to hysterically I used to get stress nose bleeds as a younger child when I would cry, it was a lot.

Nobody has really ever asked me that before but even trying to remember to answer you I have this memory of being a child laying on a couch crying  and as an adult now I can in a sort still refeel that moment…I don’t kno those feelings felt like yes someone must have hurt my feelings or done something but more so I wanted someone to acknowledge me crying…so I would keep crying. The idea that no one cared that I was crying made me cry more, made me sadder. I remember getting up after some time. and the entire pillow I was crying on was covered in blood and my nose was gushing blood…NOW she (my mom) cared..

Even my family there was a moment I just felt like they DO NOT CARE how what they did, or what they just said makes me feel.

I was for lack of a better word; CRY-shamed. I stopped expressing my emotions basically at that point.

I used to take so much pride in not crying. Now as an adult I know that’s really nothing to feel good about or not.

When I was 14 my mom went to prison. I was in a pretty emotionally hostile living situation after that. I remember from that time till I graduated being pretty miserable and not really being able to do anything about it.

When I graduated I moved 4 hours away to college, I didn’t know a single person here, and I just left. I’ve been slowly growing apart from really everyone in my family. I see them holidays. We barely talk, but the thing about it is, I know they don’t care.

For most of my life I felt like a burden. I just feel like people/family really only cared about if I had what I needed to live and survive; because my mom wasn’t always doing what she should have, but even her included that was the priority.. no one actually ever really cared if I was happy, or how I was feeling, no one inquired.

So I guess I had to stop caring about being happy because as a child no one cared about it either. To me happiness is not an noun its more like a adjective. When it comes to childrens happiness, I feel like in a wayits a learned behavior. Its a learned set of skills and coping mechanism down to seeing the best out of a situation to working hard at what you love.

Its weird because my brother had that; he had a extension of our family that gave him that stability.

But I just don’t feel it. I never got it, I’ve never felt that feeling of real happiness.