Dear calisister:

Things appear clearly to me, this very early morning. There is much more to you than what I will present here, your intelligence, wit, style, endearing qualities, but I will not write about those here. I will get straight to these two core issues:

1. The Problem that needs to be resolved, the injury that needs to be healed.

2. Where you are stuck and, and therefore unavailable to attend to #1.

I’ll start with #2: you are stuck in anger. Intense anger, that is rage, is the dominant emotion in you a whole lot of the time. Not hurt, not sadness. Anger is your stronger motivator.

When your anger is particularly intense, you lash out, throw anger tantrums of sorts, explode. Then you feel some relief, then the anger builds again and you lash out again, relieve yourself from that rage. Then again.

What you say to people when you lash out, explode, paraphrased is:

I am suffering a whole lot, always, every second, every minute of the day and night while you are not! Not fair!

I don’t deserve this! Let me tell you the ways I suffer… Now, do you understand how much I suffer?! Do you get it?! Do something, do something because this is not fair!

I will make you suffer just a bit so that you will have an idea of how much I suffer!

After creating some suffering to the receiver of your explosions you feel a bit of a relief, but then you suffer more, and you watch others who don’t seem to suffer, and you get angry: why is calisister suffering and they are not suffering… I will make it fair!

Here are quotes from your sharing indicating the rage, that intense anger which fuels those explosions:

Nov 13, 2016: “I was rude to him (a man you referred to as Y)… why? Why was I yelling at him for no reason? He had done nothing that day to me… I have played this pattern many times… I feel confused and angry.”

Nov 29, 2017: “Why do I deserve to keep struggling and suffering? I am only 25… I do not deserve to suffer at all. No reason at all.

Dec 3 and 5, 2017: “I don’t have a family. I’m essentially alone… I’m essentially alone in this anxiety that I have… And I am exhausted and sad. Especially when everyone around me is happily ever after.”

Dec 9: “Never really had anything…Never had the family. Never had the friends. .. It’s not fair. I deserve to have that support.  Can anyone in this world give me any respect? Please.

Jan 9, 2018: “I have made a very close friend here, C… we get along so greatly. but I abuse her… I find reasons to get angry with her. I yell at her for no reason. I do not know how to stop. I feel insane and evil. It is like something possesses me… where does this anger come from? what am I angry at? I truly have no idea… all this gives me a true feeling of anger. not sadness. only anger… this anger I have- it is because most people, that I am surrounded by at least and speak to on a daily basis, are not this tortured of in this much mental pain on a daily, minute-minute basis. and thus, I am angry. Angry that my friend’s biggest problem of the day is that a guy didn’t text her back… for most people, each day is not this difficult. and I am angry because for me it is truly a struggle to get by…this is why I am lashing out on people left and right.

Regarding #1: I will attend to it in a future post if and after I receive a response to you for this very post here.

anita