Hi gj,

Java is not one of the technologies to easily code in. And like you said nor there are going to be many resources on the web that give answers easily.
So what you are facing is legitimate. It is not that something is easy and still you cannot do it.

It is usually the fear of shame or embarrassment that causes more emotional pain than the actual problem itself. What if I tell you to drop that shame? Ok, let others see your flaws. What if you become so vulnerable about your flaws that nothing more is left to be shameful about? What is remaining to be shameful about when you are brutally shameful about all of your flaws? That is the time when you begin to be more creative. All of what you have mentioned about your definition of “failure” is imaginary. They are your mental constructs. They are mind movies. They are not true. What is the worst thing that will happen if you lose this job? The worst thing? Are you going to come on the streets begging for a living?
Have you ever seen a guy who cannot code in Java and has come down to the streets begging? Ok you said you can survive the income part. So you are more worried about supporting your parents and sibling. You said your family needs you. But you are always there for your family right! Where are you going? You mentioned you can survive the income if you lose your job, so then what is the problem and how are you not for you family? Even if the extreme happens – losing a job is really not a negative thing. There are several hundred companies that I have seen who are willing to recruit people who are laid off, on career gaps, and are willing to join immediately. It has become a normal thing now.

Don’t keep an outcome oriented approach. Focus more on the process itself. Do whatever it is best that you can do just for that day. Live in day-tight compartments. When you go to sleep ask yourself even if I may have not got the required outcome, have I at least given my best shot today? If the answer is yes that’s good. If the answer is no then give your even best the next day, but without focusing on the outcome and only on doing the actual process that ultimately leads to the outcome. Without being in the valley you cannot reach the mountain right? How can you even identify a mountain if there were no valleys. Its all part of the game of life.

“Don’t let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.” – Eckhart Tolle

Focus more on just that tiny one thing that you have at your hand and your outcome will automatically be the desired one because the outcome is just the result of those tiny little moments/tasks.

Again if you say that how will I get a desired outcome if I am not efficiently able to do the process itself. This again means that your focus has drifted on the outcome.

If you feel no gratitude mentally why not from tonight before going to bed deliberately list out 5 things your are grateful about. It need not be from the bottom of your heart if you are not able to at first. Do this for the next 21 days. If you think you have  reached a stage where you think you do not have anything now to write to be grateful about – How about being thankful to God for your eyes to be able to read this right now? Like them you will find so many things in the vastness of this Universe.

Like you I am also from a middle class family….in fact was in a lower middle class family and the only source of income was me. At the beginning of my career I was working on a subject which was extremely frustrating to me. No knowledge about how to do anything. Every minute of thought was about leaving the job. Nobody to help, nowhere to go. But gradually in due course of time I sailed through. Today its the same work I am doing since over a decade for multiple companies and everything is going ok. I sometimes feel thankful for that struggle. It is only the initial period that is difficult. This is a routine thing that happens to everyone in their own area of work. Don’t take it seriously. Give your best, whatever possible you can.

Your boat in the storm will struggle to move but it will not drown.

Warm Regards,

VJ