Dear Edd:

I re-read your posts attentively this morning in my efforts to understand you and your situation better. You mentioned that you felt at different times the following: rejected, hurt, undesired, jealous, vulnerable, sad, guilty, and one time you mentioned “fed up”. I think that your anger has played a big part in your relationship with Chloe and that the sex issue was something you focus on but it is not the only nor is it the primary issue.

Clues to the relationship being in trouble for a long time is your statement that it has been “on and off for 8 years” and evidence that sex was not the only issue is in your statement: “it’s been me who’s been the one being hesitant recently. Firstly because of the issues we’d had in the past and secondly because of her lac of sex drive

When you “spent many long nights feeling rejected, hurt, undesired…Chloe’s lack of desire to find any solution really started to affect me..”, you felt angry at Chloe. When you got injured and “She didn’t seem very sympathetic to my injury…(she) went on holiday to the Alps with (friends) a couple of times without me…I was no longer a better climber than Chloe”, you were angry.

You compared her climbing to your climbing ability and were angry that following your injury she was a better climber. You also compared your sex life with Chloe to other people’s sex life and found yours inferior, in comparison: “I was secretly jealous of other couples … I’d imagined (and knew) that others were having a far better time in this respect.”

You expressed your anger at Chloe within the relationship with her: “I was guilty of giving Chloe a hard time about this and probably wasn’t always the most sensitive”.

I think that now you are angry at Sarah for being loud and opinionated. You wrote: “Sometimes I find myself cringing when Sarah is being loud and opinionated… I’m now sometimes doubting whether Sarah is right…”.

Anger is powerful. I believe your anger preceded Sarah and Chloe, has nothing to do with anyone’s sex drive, and needs to be addressed and resolved. If you would like, let me know of your thoughts.

anita