Dear Running:

You are welcome!

I am re-reading your earlier posts and reading the recent one. Here are quotes: “He desperately wants to please me…he does hurtful things, actually kind of often- and then fights and fights and fights about them…I am often on edge waiting for him to say or do the next inappropriate thing… I do notice that sometimes he seems confused about what happened and his own motivations. He has a terrible time explaining himself, and if he does something inconsiderate, he seems to be completely and totally blocked when it comes to processing it, or self reflecting… I am obsessed with consistency and truthfulness and honesty… he is sometimes untruthful… he has Asperger’s tendencies… I also think that I am extremely critical and uncompassionate.. I have been so aggressive on confronting him about his own shortcomings that I have turned into a monster… I love him and I want him to be here with me”

In light of having more information, regarding the Wednesday example, I do see it as believable that he would meet the co worker that day so to promote a friendship with her. He desperately wants to please you, you wrote. He probably also wants to please others, her in this case. He may not have processed the situation well, and did not lie in that case. Regarding him having dated a woman who was a polyamorous, “he decided that he wanted to try being polyamorous with her… ” that fits with his people pleasing inclination, wanting to please her.

This is what I figure: he may very well not be lying at all, just wanting to please people but not having the ability to process information effectively and therefore his behaviors are often ineffective. If you indeed love him and want to stay with him, you got to fit your expectations, your thinking and your behaviors to the reality of who-he-is. You can’t realistically expect consistency from a person unable to be consistent. You can’t expect a person significantly lacking ability to evaluate people and situations, to be consistent with people and in situations.

Arguing with him is ineffective and harmful to him and to you. You can’t argue him into effective information processing. He wants desperately to please you- this is your strength in the relationship. Not to misuse his need to please you but to take it into consideration and teach him gently that saying this inappropriate and doing that is inappropriate. You can’t teach him how to process new information, only to not repeat specific inappropriate talk and behavior.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings about my reply and otherwise.

anita