Bad…

I love him, I do. It deeply saddens me for numerous reasons.

The feeling of being without him…I don’t know if just right now.. I still don’t know any better?. But to think about never seeing him again or something just kills me, I tear up typing it.

But what can I do?…I may be who I am and feel how I feel about things but I can’t be in a position where someone acts that way AND has no remorse or accountability. On the list of things I have planned for the next 50 years…cleaning up my feelings and actions ALONG WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S because they don’t accept accountability for the things they do is too much. Its too much emotional weight for someone in the mental state I am in especially right now.

But not really; I don’t feel the relief yet. I usually do which is strange. I know the feeling your describing.

But I wanted this with him. I just wanted it to be good. Even though sometimes I feel like we set ourselves up to fail. I didn’t plan to have to do this with someone else again.

Behind every man we date there are 2 men behind him..one who is going to treat you better and one who will treat you worse. There are so many options and I know that I can find better…But I just..I wanted him.

Its hard still living there, that is taking a emotional toll on me in general.

Because I KNOW I could have resolved this by now…selfsooth the whole 9….but I’m just not going to do that this time. So to be in the space of the person you love and not being able to talk to them and interact with him. It a lot.