I like to feel like everything happens for a reason.

Right now this is a lesson learned but hey..maybe if I hadn’t been with him something worse could have happened to me.

I don’t know if that makes sense… At this particular moment 2 weeks in basically I see it like IS THIS WHAT I NEEDED TO MATURE MY THOUGHTS ON WHAT A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE?

I honestly dont feel like I could speak on John they way I do or my changes of how a relationship should go; without this.

I had no limits, really.

But when time gets further sometimes I look at the things that may have happened or not went my way and think like hey this could have been worse. Butterfly effect type of things. One thing doesnt change and everything stay the same.

This one time I got a speeding ticket and Glen said that he had a feeling I might get a ticket. Just a twinge random feeling but he didnt tell me. I said WHY I would have  slowed down? lol He said well what if something worse would have happened? I was like dang thats true. Maybe I passed up a possible wreck in the midst of driving fast or something. I am REALLY not a optimist Anita lol but for some reason that way of thinking makes sense to me.

Maybe if I hadnt been with Glen I could have ended up with someone worse, someone who really took it to another level and with me not having that shield of boundaries I WOULD have most likely let it in to “let the love in” I may have married this person, had kids with this person. All for lack of not knowing any better because I really thought I was ok with everything that happened here.

My weight is another example. I had this epiphany about a month ago. I hold my weight like the biggest downfall/set back of my life. But WHAT IF it had to happen this way. I am from a town of people who statistically are addicts and baby makers who get checks and food stamps. I am from am very small town of a little over 1,000 or so people. We have the highest opioid addiction rate in the county. My mom was in that crap and she got out, me and my brother got out (Me and My brother are statistically anomalies by far). But most people I know that was in that environment like me and him are still there,are on drugs, on their third kid, doing nothing with there life. So my point is;  that if I had been smaller, I still would have had the family issues I had either way. But how would I have acted out having confidence if that makes sense. If I didnt put my thoughts into food, and put it into some boy in HS and got stuck there. Instead I realized that there wasnt anything there for me and I left.

So maybe just maybe this is the way all this was supposed to go …