Dear norit:

I am fine, thank you. And you are welcome.

Sure we affect each other, as social animals it happens this way: when your boyfriend is sad, it causes you some distress and vice versa. What affects me more intensely is when someone near me is angry. That distresses me. On the other hand, if a person near me is calm and pleasant, oh, how helpful it is for me, how much better I feel. It helps me to feel calm myself.

From what you shared, he was indeed abused by others. Not by you. With the backgrounds of the two of you, I would say, make sure neither one of you harms the other, and if you suspect that you are harming him, ask him, check with him, as you have done, and when he tells you that you didn’t harm him, believe him.

If you trust each other to tell the truth, then you don’t have to torture yourself wondering if you harmed him or abused him. Ask and believe him when he tells you that you did not harm him.

It can help to reduce your stress with him if you cut short the time you spend with him. Or if you talk less during any one time. Take on… a temporary vow of silence, a no talk break when the two of you hold each other, relaxing in each other’s arms.

When you write that he “sees himself rotten to the core”- what do you mean, or better, what does he mean by it.. how does he behave as a result of this belief about himself?

anita