Thanks again Anita.

Wow yes its come back to me about feelings, im allowed them! no right or wrong, and its triggered me in the fact how much i hate to let anyone down, my ex, him , I hate the thought that i can cause them pain and hurt. it does not sit well with me at all. i really struggle with this actually, even at work i hate to let anyone down, im scared to upset anyone , its the people pleaser thing , but hey ive come along way compared to how i used to be!

remembering my self love i am who i am, no right or wrong i am who i am and thats perfect for me, and gods got my back 🙂

Reading this I realize the power that guilt has over me, When I left my marriage I had a huge amount of guilt feelings, I did alot of work around how this feeling made me feel, It wasn’t serving me any purpose to have a happy life. It was a pointless feeling to have as it kept me stuck in ruminating thoughts.

So with this man this guilt has come all back again. I was strong when i ended it 4 months ago, it was a very hard decision to make but I did because it was over for me, I believed he was there for a reason but 2 years had gone by and now it was the end. He just could not understand this, he thought it was because i cared too much of what others thought eg my mum. and i wasnt being true to myself.

Obviously as you know he did not take it well at first suicidal threats, constant contact, visiting, letters. money, gifts, flowers. wanting to buy a house for me , promising the world to me. Finally after 2-3 months he slowed down but it never stopped. My family and friends were very worried calling him crazy but i knew it was because of his issues and his ‘love’ for me.

This did get me down, it was intense, I was unhappy, i felt huge guilt what i had done to him, he was a mess, i started missing what we had, wondering if i had made the right decision, he was my best friend, will any one ever love me again, will i regret this forever.

So  we kinda got back together, letting him know im confused and not sure if i love him but willing to try…I was very firm and honest about my feelings, i said you make me feel pressured slow down, of course he understands and is very embarrassed and regrets the way he acted after the breakup and he says hes working on himself…i never told my family, my mum ….i was low i wanted that happy feeling again. Being with him i realized my happy feelings didnt come back. Now after talking this over with you and getting friend opinion I cannot expect anyone to make me happy and make my decisions, thats my own job from the inside you know. I feel complete calm and peace again. I really do, its been a while 🙂

I cannot be with him because I dont want to feel guilty, thats just plain dumb.

The last 2 days ive had not much contact with him, I know he will be freaking, hes going to think I used him, he will think he swrewed it up again, maybe he might take it well this time, maybe he wont? But those are his feelings and thoughts I can only control my own, im scared to hurt him again, but its his choice how handles it , i will try not to feel guilty as i said before its pointless.