Dear Mika:

You wrote about her: “This woman … she is spoiled, negative and complaining… she put al the blame for (her ex)… she has a problem with eating.. wants to be thin… obsessed about that… she has not many friends and does not like to be around people… she does not feel any connection to animals”

She told you that you are “drastic, negative and complaining.. a person who only cares about myself… very selfish… that I should think first before I speak sometimes so I won’t end up saying things that will hurt other people…that it does not matter if I apologize thousands times when the harm is already done.”

My input: I think that you attending counseling is a very good idea. I see a lot of hurt in you from a time before you met this woman, a hurt that is projected into this past relationship.

My first paragraph above includes quotes of your complaints about her, the second is what you mentioned to be her complaints about you. The fact that you complained about her eating and thinness concerns as well as her lack of connection with animals (topics that are not related to a relationship with you) leads me to think that you are trying to build a case against her, suggesting she is a sick and/ bad person.

Her complaints about you, on the other hand, do not include items that are not relevant to a relationship.

Seems to me that during the troubled part of the relationship, you projected into her pre-existing unresolved issues. According to your sharing, it is my understanding that she felt that you didn’t see her for who she was, that she felt invisible, unheard, unknown by you.

anita