Dear Ally

Thank you for your response. I have gone through compassion to my parents, I think I had too much of it for them. I have a lot of sympathy and understanding  for them, in a way they would never repay me for the care and concern I had for them. I am aware they both didn’t have enough love in their homes so they ended up being occupied with themselves rather than noticing me. My dad’s parents are bad people. They hated him and hate me too although they barely know me. He once said his mother told him that she regrets she didn’t kill him before he was born when she was pregnant. I can imagine what his life looked like when he was a kid. I sometimes thought I have forgiven my father but it’s not true. I’m angry at both of them for failing me and putting me through hell. I wouldn’t hurt my own child after what I’ve been through.

I have plans to go to a therapy this or next month, due to some other issues too but mostly those scenes from my childhood haunting me.

I moved out from my my father’s house when I was 12. He died 10 years ago, without ever apologizing or making it up to me. Never wanted to fix our relationship or keep meeting me. I lived with my mother until 21, recently she moved out again because she broke up with her boyfriend. She then started to treat me really bad. I’m planning to move out soon. In last weeks our relation has worsened because I told her it’s her fault her boyfriend bullied me over the years and my life was a nightmare, also I told her I want him to give me back money he took from me to renovate his house. She barely speaks to me, I guess because of the fact they had the argument because of me.

When I think I’ll be living alone I have a hope the nightmares and haunting thoughts will vanish. But I know it may not be that easy. There are days I remember sitting in that room and can’t move, can’t get out of the bed. I have to but I have this feeling how can I go on with my life with THIS in my head. How would anyone go on. I have faced a lot of things in my life lately, a lot of painful things. Trying to overcome it, to fix myself. This stays and fills me with so much anger that they did this to me and none of them were ever sorry or felt responsible. Anger but also pity for myself, sympathy that no one had for me then. Then or ever.

I have been to a counselor many times in my life but it was never a success. I was either ignored, not got enough attention or was prescribed meds that made it worse. But I’m giving myself another chance, looking for someone who may help me this time.