sorry ive taken a while to reply. ive wanted too sooner but i have had alot to deal with. its strange though that even though i feel i have alot on my plate, i say it loud to another person and its no big deal and i question myself, whats wrong with me? why cant i just go faster? why am i so slow even though i dont think i am. i am in conflict in my head triggered by other peoples responses.

Margarita

Thankyou for being  so open about your own personal struggles and taking the time to respond. when you feel really alone it means alot. it sounds like you have experienced so much pain and im sorry that you have. it sounds like you have learned alot from being a single parent whilst having anxiety and depression. I would like to hear what helped get you through if you still want to.

i dont have it in me to say them words to my mum. its not about willingness as i could give many examples of times where i have tried to make amends or have taken responsibility when i shouldnt have and apologising first so i could feel ok and feel less guilty and of course not feel abandoned. just recently i have saw my mother in a way where i dont feel like i want to give very much to her at all now. if i was to say, again, it might seem like i should just get over it and stop being so sensitive but in my heart i know that i have to honour my feelings.

whenever i am trying to be firm and boundaried with my daughter, she tries many ways to test me and she knows exactly when to do it too, normally when she knows im tired, in a hurry or feeling a bit down. over the last few days she has got physical with me, barged into me deliberately, threw my new phone, threw shoes, slammed doors really hard, wanting to argue and talking over me alot. she said she has no respect for me. her moods change daily when i have been seeing her. upto now whenever we have not been getting on, i send a text or call to make sure she is ok to reassure her that i still love her. tonight i text her to say i think its best at the moment she doesnt come to the house because of her behaviour but she can ring me whenever she wants. im scared this is a mistake but surely she needs to learn there are consequences to her actions. i guess you could call this ‘tough love’ i cant help but feel i have let her down.

Anita

thankyou for your response.

The milk example i gave is a way i feel loved by someone where they are considerate, i dont think its asking too much. when i have asked my mum about but she just gets defensive, loud and tries to humiliate me by making it seem like im being too sensitive. it happened recently. when i mentioned before about how my mum and dad turned up when my daughter did where she was putting me down for not working full time and being on benefits, my mum was being supportive by saying that i am never alone and i can rely on my parents for help.i asked my mum for help since and she has begrudgingly helped with my cats. without going into too much detail, it was quite stressful in the car bringing the cats over. she realised she had upset me, instead of me reacting like i have done sometimes  when i have felt emotional, i didnt say anything and she broke the silence. she tried to act like everything was ok between us, i didnt go along with it and then she said ‘are you gonna sulk now’. again i just didnt bite as i needed her help. i guess you could say i was faking it but i was just trying to keep myself calm and in control as i was worried about my cats. i always wonder if my mums behaviour is deliberate or not as its very subtle what she does. i could go on and on with examples but it would be quite dull to read.

i realise now how much my daughter is manipulative. im really worried for her. i want her to have a good future and be a kind and caring person. even when we lived together she was putting me down about not working enough, she has done it for a while and not just about work. about the car i drove, our home not being modern or big enough. i beleive this is stemmed from her dad saying this to her over the years  as well as her cousins where my sister  & brother in law have had an attitude of me and house not being good enough.

you are right about her dad not thinking well of me anyway so why should i care about what she tells him. perhaps its naive of me but the last few weeks he has been civil with his emails (this is the only way we communicate) and im trying to make peace so hopefully my daughter will stop manipulating us both and he wont put me down in front of her.

when they made fun of me it really hurt and this is a big wound. im starting to feel a bit better in my own skin as im literally not afraid so much to show it as i want to feel good like everyone else and there not perfect. being self conscious has affected my confidence, my work performance and intimate relationships since i was very young.

maybe my  dad was venting to me but if felt like he needed some guidance. my dad has never been consistent with what he has said, my mum is the same. my family keep secrets from each other, many conversations end with ‘dont tell __

yes your right i am projecting my parents onto you. their not honest people and  i dont trust them.