Dear Sisilyamae:

You asked: “How do I deal with this pain of missing my ex?”  My answer:

One part of this pain is the pain you had before meeting your ex. It is in the loneliness you felt during your marriage (“I was sick of the loneliness I felt”), and it is in the loneliness you experienced before that marriage, as a child (from your post on another thread). We keep reliving our childhood experience.

Another part of this pain is how you see your ex., Him, you wrote repeatedly. Like a god. You wrote about him, “a gorgeous man. Strong, sexy, quiet, but assertive… farm boy, home owner, all together, perfect. No children. Didn’t smoke, do drugs, didn’t even drink alcohol!”

If you see him the way he really is, it would make him less of a god, less of the all powerful man who can save you from that early loneliness. He may be gorgeous and sexy. He may be physically strong, no alcohol and no drugs. But he is otherwise weak, not assertive, not all together and not perfect.

He may own his home but his parents own him.

In summary: I think the early pain still needs to be addressed, more than before, acknowledged, processed. And better see him the way he is: you will have less of a need to see him, if he is him and not Him.

It would also help of course not to live close to him or work across his house. But this is not practical if you can’t afford changing locations and your job.

anita