A few  replies did not send which is frustrating so ill try and tie it together the best i can.

it does not trigger hope anymore with my mum but it still does with my dad but what does continue to happen is me feeling like i have to hide who i really am and the weight of the sadness combined from both parents passing the energy onto me. i am left feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and depressed about my life.

i do think the amount of therapy i have had over the years, the more awareness i now have and the healthier changes i have made and still want to create does count towards healing? I think i may have said before in a previous post that alot of the material of the work that was explored in therapy was about forgiveness, forgiving myself mainly for my parental mistakes i have made which naturally turned  towards my family and the way thet have treated me. i see it as a contradiction as i need to feel compassion towards myself for mistakes i have made and this has been guided to approach it by seeing myself as doing what i felt was right at the time with the limited resources i had. hurt people hurt other people and its the same for my parents. as im writing this i realise i may be confusing forgiveness with acceptance. although its a long way off where i can imagine a life without them, if or when i am presented with the opportunity to cut ties, this would be the hardest part of all of it even more than all the hurt i have felt as i dont want to hurt them by abandoning them. when i look at my parents i see broken adult children who never got what they needed either, how could i do that to them?

putting my parents aside, who am i without my family? i am a small person in a small world with no money of my own, no friends (only one) no relationship (i really want one but im really scared my anxiety will show up again as it usually does and having to feel so much shame when they get to know me and then of course waiting for the rejection) unemployed as i dont know what to do with my career so to cut ties with my family would isolate me completely and then i would really have no confidence to take risks.  im so eager to be with someone right now that i would probably end up being needy and moving the relationship too fast.

is it ok to continue doing what makes me feel good until i feel a bit more confident with getting into a relationship or am i putting off the vulnerability that always comes in any relationship? do you think im in a position to look for a relationship? sorry if this is too many questions.