Dear caroline:

You wrote: “I don’t want to hurt them (your parents) by abandoning them. When I look at my parents I see broken adult children… how could I do that to them?”-

I relate to this thinking/feeling very much. I saw my mother as a little girl in pain and her pain was all that mattered to me. I couldn’t imagine not being in contact with her, thinking it will kill her to not be in contact with me, that it would be too painful for her.

This is what I learned: when a child grows up with lack of empathy, unseen and unheard, the child makes up for the lack of empathy by feeling lots of empathy toward the parent, and focusing on them a whole lot, seeing and hearing them, overly so.

A child is one mental entity with the parent. If the parent is not seeing the child, the child will make up for this lack by seeing a whole lot of the parent. If the parent expresses no empathy for the child, the child will make up for this lack by feeling a whole lot of empathy for the parent.

You wrote about your experience with your parents: “I am left feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood”- So you do all the seeing, hearing and understanding.

Only that because of that  one mental unit we start as, we really see ourselves when we see them. I did that: in reality I was the child, but I felt that my mother was the child. In reality I felt that I couldn’t live without her. But I felt that she couldn’t live without me. In reality I needed her, but I felt that she needed me.

“do you think I am I’m in a position to look for a relationship?”- if you can take it slowly and get to know a man first, before developing a deep attachment to him, and based on what you learn about him figure if it is a good idea to move forward, then yes, you are in a position to look for a relationship. Need to plan the looking so to maximize your chances of finding the right man for you. It is all in the cautious, patient and wise planning and executing.

anita