Dear Matt:

I agree with your mentor in that a relationship is an opportunity for you to practice “coming forth as (yourself)” but I disagree that a relationship with her is such an opportunity. I agree with you that “there’s something more fitting out there”, another woman, that is. It is a relationship with a different woman that will be your opportunity to practice assertiveness.

To practice assertiveness (the coming forth as yourself), it will take a relationship with a woman who encourages you to be assertive, not one to discourage you. It has to be a relationship where you feel safe enough to spill water in a sink, and where you feel safe to express feelings of helplessness.

It has to be with a woman who will take responsibility for her issues instead of point the finger of blame at you as her modus operandum, her MO.

In regard to your feelings at home, it doesn’t surprise me. You see your father behaving in ways you wish he didn’t. You wish he was assertive but he is not. You will have to learn to be assertive by yourself, without his modeling of it. You can practice assertiveness outside a romantic relationship, in your daily interactions with whomever you interact with. I hope you do so.

I didn’t understand your last paragraph. If you want to rewrite it in a simple and clear way, please do.

anita