so I fucked this up again. I don’t have a safe place except this forum here so I’m here. After first time we met he started texting me how he’s infatuated with me and how beautiful I am etc. He said he wants to be mine, and I can be forever in his life etc etc. It felt a bit overwhelming because we met literally for an hour but it was nice. He was acting like he wants to be in a relationship with me after this one time, well, maybe that’s okay maybe sometimes you just feel this and know this. I felt this once too in the past that “this is the one” so.. We met after this three times and once he literally begged me to stay for the night, I didn’t want to because I  didn’t bring anything and didn’t feed my cat, so I said maybe next time, but he insisted, held my hand, went so sad and made me feel so guilty. he said it’s important and he has a bad day and he REALLY needs me to stay. I didn’t, I got a bit scared, maybe I didn’t have compassion and feeling, and didn’t understand him, I dont know. I told him once I feel a bit overwhelmed and it’s happening too fast for me, and that I want to see him but I want to slow down with saying things like that. He wanted to meet everyday, I got scared. Once I went dancing with friends and he texted me he cant sleep until I’m home safe. it was nice but also a bit overwhelming to me. Another time we were at his place and we started kissing, I guess he wanted to have sex, I was a bit insecure but decided to do it. But then something happened and he said he cant. And I said it’s okay. and then it got weird, he started to apologize, said it was too much, he felt pressure for it to be perfect and just couldn’t. I again said it’s fine but it got weird, he just sat there and I didn’t know what to do, so I said I’m going home. Maybe I shouldn’t I don’t know, but I felt like it was my fault and he didn’t like me or he expected me to be different. He said it was his fault and apologized, so I guess I should have stayed, I don’t know.. We met on Saturday and I asked him what can I do so that he could relax more, he said just be there and chill, then he proposed a massage so I took off my t-shirt and one thing led to another. It was really nice day, we also talked and watched movies, I really liked it. I don’t know why I didn’t want to stay for the night again. I guess I was insecure, I was afraid it’s going on too fast. We started talking and from what he understood he said that I was afraid of commitment but had sex with him, and it felt like I came there just to have sex and I provoked him with taking off my t-shirt, which he didn’t ask me to do.  He said I wanted sex and I’m not capable of feeling anything or being in love, and that I didn’t want to hug or cuddle and we’re too different and it doesn’t feel right. Yesterday he texted me let’s just let it go for now and that he needs to sort out some things, it sounds like it’s over. I don’t know what I did, I guess it’s just I was being myself and a bit insecure, I also thought he wants this, I was afraid after this first time that if the sex is going to be a distaster he wouldn’t want me so I decided to do it so that he would like it. Seems like it was a mistake. I try to remain calm but I had a panic attack at night. It was terrible again. I didn’t even have the strength to fight it and to manage it again. Again. I can’t take it again, I feel like it is a big, big repeating nightmare. I can’t go through this again, in such a short time again to feel THAT WAY again. He kept saying he liked it but in a way that made me feel really humiliated. I really cannot take this I feel like I have to get it out of my head because I can’t take this again. I feel like I have to destroy my head and my face because it’s too much for me I really feel like I have to stop this