I don’t want to blame anyone else for what happened though, especially not my “friends” but I do realise now that perhaps they’re not as good friends as I once thought. I am also working on altering my work life, it is not healthy nor is it sustainable.

I guess I feel like I don’t deserve happiness because my actions hurt someone. But also maybe he wasn’t as hurt as I imagined he would be… Maybe he did use it as an excuse to get out of the relationship. I guess this realisation will help me move on, because right now I feel like I am stuck in a rut – I can’t stop thinking about him and for some unknown reason I hold him to really high regard and keep thinking he’s done nothing wrong. (Which I shouldn’t do because there were signs that he wasn’t for me and he didn’t treat me as well as I’d like).

I’ve moved home for a bit and am working remotely from home. So I’m starting to do slightly better. My panic attacks and nightmares are still prevalent but I think they’re calming down. There’s no way I’ll bump into him at home as well which is a relief. I just really want to be able to move on.