He saw me not how I really was. At first I thought it’s nice that he says I’m so beautiful, self confident , ambitious, organized, how I can cook and he loves that (all based only on our conversations on facebook before going out) He said things that were exaggerated. I felt it’s a lot of pressure , that’s why I was insecure and thought he would see I’m not perfect. So of course I tried to look and act better than I usually do, and that’s why I had this breakdown after I went back home.  I felt so stupid and hopeless I knew my hair wasn’t perfect, my face maybe,I knew I should have been more this and that etc. but turned out he liked me even more, and started those plans and almost told me he’s in love with me – at one point I thought he wants to say it already, through text. It scared me. I liked him, didn’t have any feelings, but I did like him and thought I would give him a chance. But I was afraid he would see me how I really am. Truth is I didn’t want to stay for the night first time because I was afraid he wouldn’t like me without makeup. Apart from other reasons this was in my head all the time. The first time when he kissed me and wanted to have sex, and when he said he couldn’t I went home and cried because I was afraid he didn’t like me and it was all my fault, that maybe he expected something else and I was so mediocre, I don’t know.. So I asked what can I do for him to relax him, and I didn’t listen when he said he just wants me to be there, to watch a movie and to spend a night, nothing more. My only thought was he didn’t like me and now it’s going to be a complete disaster and that I have to do it. But it’s not like I planned it and made him do it. I took off this shirt but I asked a couple of minutes later ‚Is this massage over?should we watch a film now’. He said No. I said again after some time ‚It’s Ok, you’re probably tired now’. He said ‚No’. I didn’t start this, it’s unfair to say I’m responsible for that, how much he accuses me. I know I shouldn’t have agreed to this massage but I don’t know why he proposed it anyway if it was so risky. I know it was a mistake, doing this in a first place and then not staying for the night. But did I really ruin his whole feelings, and infatuation with me on this one day? I have the feeling it wasn’t true and he didn’t in fact have any feelings for me.  I texted him next day I wanted to see him and I miss him, and it was true, I really enjoyed this last time, it was relaxed and really nice, natural, without this pressure I felt earlier. I admit I didn’t feel what he felt (or what he said he felt because now I don’t believe he was saying the truth) but I can say I liked him, and started to like him more after we did this.

But then he started to accuse me of not having feelings, not being emotional, playing with him, not hugging him, teasing, not being able to fall in love – as if he knew it already etc. When I clearly said I miss him and want to see him again, so I don’t quite understand if he had feelings for me why didn’t he want this anymore, I didn’t reject him or anything.  I just didn’t show him enough affection through all this couple of times we met including the previous day. I try to understand what I did wrong and I know what I shouldn’t have done but the fact is he said he had feelings for me and wanted a relationship with me „until the end of his life” and I believed him, then he changed his mind after couple of hours. That doesn’t seem real to me.

Well I don’t want anyone to say I’m perfect, most beautiful and impeccable because it scares me. I would prefer someone to see me how I am and to accept this, and understand I have my own insecurities too. He felt pressure and didn’t want to do it, I felt scared that he doesn’t want me because I feel ugly and worthless and I needed this to know that he likes me – but that didn’t come up in our conversation.