Thank you Anita, your words are very wise and helpful. I apologize for the late reply but it has been a crazy week. I got into a car crash last night, thankfully I’m mostly fine. This in a way has helped me focus on the fact that I must be alive for a reason and that is to live my best life , but it has also sparked my anxiety again.

A day after I created this topic, somehow my brain started to feel more calm . I guess because my boyfriend’s words helped me heal a bit and I wasn’t thinking of coming back to this website to be honest, just because I was starting to feel almost normal again and didn’t want any reminders. But here I am back again because of this accident that has brought the bad feelings back.

Reading your last reply helps me tremendously, I do feel like I owe him the whole truth at times as if I was a terrible sinner  but I do know it’d only cause more pain and that I have grown as a person. I unfortunately don’t have insurance currently so therapy is not an option right now but I do think it’d help maybe if I can in the future. Thank you again to you and everyone in this forum who are all very kind people.

The thing that keeps bringing me back to feeling guilty is that I feel like I’ve lied so much to keep this whole secret and my past, there is no one that knows all of my life 100% and I guess I always had this ideal of my life partner knowing all about me and vice versa ; the bad and good . And now this has become impossible with him. I think maybe I have the wrong idea of how relationships should work? I try to be as honest as possible but this mistake has just ruined my chance at being fully honest with him ):