Hi Anita

Interesting points/suggestions.  I say he “groomed” me bc he spent months acting as if he was a friend and trustworthy and asking me about my thoughts and fears and offered compassion and reassurance.

He put in effort to get me into a position where I would be sexual to him and that is what I felt was exploitative, that he chose to do this with the knowledge that I didn’t have, that he was in a relationship. I believe he chose to do this to me because he saw a desperate needy and sad woman. Later he said he believed he was doing me a favor by “being there for me.” That’s what I mean by targeted. He saw someone with vulnerabilities and chose to exploit them.

I think it’s really interesting that you pointed out the possibility of me being in the childlike position and putting him into the loving father position (I’m putting it in my own words) who i desperately wanted approval, attention, comfort and recognition from. There is some truth to that I see in retrospect, but at first I thought he was just a hatrmless guy who lived far away, and I had a lot going on and he was willing to listen and not judge seemingly, so I just spilled it all out. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done that for many reasons. I could tell thatt he sometimes subtly got off offering me reassurance and advice in a tiny condescending way and my dad does the exact same thing. He loves to give people advice and be right strong and smart etc. I chose to minimize it it.

When I was a younger adult and teen I definitely felt like I thought EVERYONE was cooler, smarter, better than me. Since I’ve gotten into my 30s and earned some accomplishments, I’m realizing I do have knowledge and am good at my job and have a lot of knowledge others don’t in some arenas. When it comes to the emotional realm, having to do with intimate relationships, I can get very very triggered and totally feel like a child. And these issues are related to feelings of abandonment I believe. Usually when I’m going thru this intensity I write, and after I’ve come to  rational myself a little bit,  I talk to my a few close friends or talk to my therapist and I do love my friends for their nurturing qualities, but also I try to nurture them when they need it too.