Hi Sarawyn,

I am new to these forums too and can completely sympathise with feelings of being overwhelmed and lonely as life passes you by. I also understand why you felt the need to get it all out somewhere public. I hope you felt some weight lifting when you pressed post?

Although my situation is very, very different, your feelings are fundamentally the same. I am sure many people can emphasise with some of the emotions you have expressed here. It always makes me feel less alone when I am reminded that although things can be very specifically difficult on a personal level (in ways nobody can ever really understand except you), fundamentally we are all feeling similar things.

My first piece of advice is something I have given many friends and family members — It is okay to just love your family. You do not HAVE to like them. You do not HAVE to seek them as your first source of comfort. Things like TV, movies, our friends families, people we see out and about, stories and books all influence how we perceive the “family unit” should be. I love my family dearly, and although I wish we were the picture perfect family and that I could lean on them for all of my emotional needs, I just can’t. And I cannot change who they are to fit my needs, no matter how hard I try. Because we naturally love our family, we seek so much validation from them that it can become crippling. But sometimes that emotional baggage is just not worth it. A friend of mine was recently going through a tough time with her grandfather who was verbally and emotionally abusive, but was also very sick and dying. She felt so trapped in the middle of wanting to care for him whilst also feeling betrayed by him as she anticipated his death and the grief that would follow. Was she a bad granddaughter for not really liking him? No. Not at all. She was a wonderful granddaughter who cared for him and gave him everything he needed, but she didn’t have to condone his behaviour or think he was very nice. It was okay for her to accept that. Liking and loving someone is not mutually exclusive, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. As long as you care for those you love, give them the dignity and respect they always deserve from their family, you are entitled to not seek their friendship or respect or validation. You can give yourself permission to accept them as they are and love them in the ways you can.

I am not trying to imply you do not like your father, or the others around you who do not seem to support you. But if you are feeling that they are the only people to turn to, despite them not really having your best interests at heart (or having the ability to have your best interests at heart), then it is totally okay to give yourself freedom from them in that sense. Your Dad loves you in his own way I’m sure (he supports you financially – and even if this is begrudgingly perhaps this is the only way he knows how to show his love for you?) but you cannot keep seeking things from him he has never historically given you. I think it’s time to free yourself from that.

It seems to me that loneliness is definitely playing a part in this. Without your husband and your mother, you have lost the people you would automatically turn to for comfort and empathy. That is completely normal and my heart goes out to you. Recognise that this is what you are feeling – that you are seeking the relationships you had with them with people who can’t or won’t give you the same. Even people I love on every level can’t give me the kind of relationship I have with those closest to me. Unfortunately for you, you are going through a very tough time and those nearest to you are just not appropriate for what you need.

I think you are making fantastic steps in volunteering and going to groups. You are getting out there and that must be difficult, but if you stick to these things you will form relationships eventually. I am sure you have already thought of this, but is there anybody you could reach out to? Extended family? Cousins? Old school friends? It doesn’t have to seem desperate, but in all of this you may have lost ties with some people. Don’t feel like you can’t reach out to them again. If they made you feel good in the past, or your relationship had the elements you’re looking for, reach out! You don’t have to spill your heart, but it is a good place to start.

Try and find some peace in yourself. You cannot control most of these things that are happening. I know it must feel like a long hard slog right now. Accept these for what they are right now, and let them wash over you. It will be okay in the end. But there are some things you can control – identify what they are and do what you can to change them. Whether that’s holding yourself accountable to keep volunteering, or to arrange coffee with an old friend or a cousin you haven’t seen for a while. Anything like that. Sometimes people think there is nobody to reach out to because they don’t want to bother people, but that isn’t the case. I recently reached out to a friend I haven’t spoken to since I was 18 because she was always kind and understanding. I thought she might think I was crazy, but we meet up fairly often for dinner now! But if you REALLY think there is nobody, then you need to open yourself up to as many new things as possible – no matter how difficult it feels.

What happens in your community that would attract people who are similar to you? An arts class if you’re arty? A book club if you like to read? A church if you’re religious? The internet is full of places to meet like minded people. Start slow and I bet things will pick up.

I think your task right now is to find yourself, forgive yourself and accept yourself. It sounds like you’re beating yourself up a lot as if these things are your fault. But your situation right now doesn’t define you. It is difficult, it is testing, I am sure it is exhausting. But you are more than your father’s carer, you are more than a girl who lost her mum, you are more than someone who lost her husband and is struggling with mental health issues. You have things to offer and you can overcome them.

I really hope this helps a little? Good luck & remember you are not alone in any of this xx