well thought i should write again as i am feeling avoidant about how im feeling over recent events. Summer holidays had started and she wanted to be with me for a few days. it reminded me of how it was in her younger years, not listening to me and pushing boundaries. its relentless and i end up being an overbearing mum, at the time i think im doing right and to a degree i still think i am, i explain alot why i say no to things that she wants as i think its important she has a reason and of course i say yes and some of the time if not alot of the time she doesnt ask. she tries to get what she wants when she knows im preoccupied with something and it was quite serious so i have now said to her that we should only spend time together outside of the house which was hard for me to say. Out of exhaustion and feeling angry i swore at her and slammed the door. of course i regret it, it seems so hard to be so patient as i think even a person with the greatest patience in the world would feel challenged. so now i have to feel guilty about that. ive been trying to get us both some family counselling arranged which is challenging to say the least and also got in touch with my other therapist as i figure if she is willing to see me again after i have paid the debt that is owed, it will to use this as support which i feel i desperately need at the moment and being on here airing how i feel is valuable. i sent my therapist an email with a genuine apology and i havent had a response. im scared she wont respond as i will feel rejected again.

I had to ask my mum for money today as i was faced with my latest benefit statement and it will only be enough to cover the rent as i only receive half now. i acknowledge i have more than other people, im reminded of it every day, my neighrbour for one. she is an angry alcoholic and now has a house full with her two grown up children and two grandchildren, not one day goes by where she isnt screaming at them. ive hated living next to her but its got easier over the years as you get used to things.  i felt alot shame again speaking to my mum as i know what is expected of me when i need help. i feel i need to explain myself completely leaving nothing for myself, she wants information about my problems so she can keep tabs on me, she makes me feel like im lying and i am a huge burden and i honestly think id feel the same if it was my 37 year old daughter needing financial help off me, id be pissed off too. I am trying though, i applied for ten jobs today and when i said this to her its like she had heard it all before which again i dont blame her doubting me but its upsetting when my good efforts of trying to be more independent is not even noticed or a ‘well done’ its so rare that i have had any kind of acknowledgement. my sister who i mentioned in the last post came with me to visit my mum so she could make amends so i was useful for them, nothing more and knowing this helped  to get through it but of course it still hurts. the same dynamics played out again and i knew what was going on, their oblivious to what there doing, i could see the dishonesty, the grovelling, the subtle scape goating and most definetly being ignored. it reminded me of as a women/young girl how i feel so inadaquete when im conversing with  them as they seem to be alot quicker than me when it comes to figuring things out, like their always one step ahead of me and if i have anything to say or if i know something they dont it doesnt have value, i only to seem to get warmth from them together when im being the helper. its like im aware i like to think before i respond and i want what i say to make sense , ihave to know exactly what the person means and i think it could be because im full of anxiety so i cant relax. this relates with feeling incompetent as my dad said i was thick a few times growing up and it stuck. even my face looks dazed and i get told to smile alot which is depressing as alot of the time i dont wanna smile. i hope this makes sense to read.