Hi Anita. I appreciate your responses.

And now, what? What to do when you realize so much has been wasted? My answer: you make a  little improvement and live the life that is available for you. Here is a little improvement that you can make in your life, to no longer be afraid (“I actually get slightly ill with dread when I hear her coming up the stairs”). If you live separately from her, you will no longer hear her coming up the stair. Wouldn’t that be a relief?

Yes, it would most definitely be a relief if I were not in the same house with her.  That will happen, but I don’t want to leave until the kids are grown and out of the house.

By living the life that is available for you I mean, making your life better a bit at a time, so you live separately from her, no longer afraid of the next bad interaction with her. Another improvement: you can now meet women online. I will explain: before, when you were young and single, you didn’t have this option. But now you do. Looking at your post, you read interesting to me, your intelligence is evident and your honesty  is attractive. So you can communicate well online. You are no longer limited to your looks, which you described as unattractive. You have the written word.

True, but women still value looks. When I was younger I got into this long-distance “relationship” where I was living in NYC and ended up talking to a woman on the phone. She had called my roommate and he gave the phone to me so we could meet. We hit it off immediately and talked intensely for hours. Long story short, after a couple weeks of deep, intimate daily conversations, I flew to her town in the Midwest to meet her. She didn’t like me at all – this is after she swore she wouldn’t care about my looks and after I warned her I was not attractive. No matter how much someone might like someone, looks are important. This is why I fear being alone forever.

So you communicate with women online,  on a dating site, but you do it right, not getting too invested, keeping it honest, not expecting much, but you persist. You get to know women this way and then you arrange a meeting with one, to get to know her face to face,  in a coffee place, let’s say (any one of you can leave at any time).

I am looking forward to this, yes, but as I said, I still fear the bad outcome.

You wrote that you don’t like to share about yourself, to  open up, well right here is your opportunity to do a little of that. No need to share a whole lot, just a bit, but keep it honest. If you do, I will respond to you empathetically and respectfully, no danger to you communicating here with me.

Thanks – I don’t mean I am totally shut off to others, no way. Just that on a daily basis I really don’t talk much about what I’m thinking or what’s happening……I just don’t know why there would be any interest. But here I am more open because I am asking folks such as you for advice about my problems. So it makes sense for me to want to say at least a little about myself!

Thanks, Anita.