Dear ME:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “I really believe she is a good, honest, decent, thoughtful woman”. I will take your word for it but add to the sentence: except when she gets angry, then she turns aggressively silent (“ps: no response as of yet”).

You wrote: “perhaps her withdrawing has something to do with how she deals with upsetting experiences based on her childhood trauma”- probably. A lot of people convicted for violent crimes have done what they have done because of their childhood trauma. Silent aggression is not as loud, and it is not bloody, like loud violence, but it is aggression nonetheless, bringing about distress in the recipient.

You asked: “how could I blame her for unhealthy reactions coming from unresolved issues, when my anxiety stemmed from my own unresolved issues?”

My answer: I am not suggesting that you judge her as a bad person, that is, look at her from a position of a removed, unengaged judge. No need to blame her or yourself. What I am suggesting is a practical approach: notice her behavior, what she actually does when she is angry. And what you do when you are angry. And then, reject aggression, be it silent or loud. Got to have safety in a supposedly loving relationship, work on issues in a safe environment. Without that safety, no healing can take place, not on her end, not on yours.

anita