Dear sk932:

You are welcome. You asked: “I want to forgive myself but why is it so hard?” One thing that makes it hard is your confusion, I believe. I will try to help you to gain clarity, and so, to disperse that confusion:

When he called you names, when he hit you, it was wrong on his part. It was wrong even though you kissed a guy that one time and made out with another the second time, being naked in that man’s bed.

It would have been just as wrong of him to hit you if you never cheated him in any way, shape or form.

It is wrong of him to hit you whether he has issues with his parents or not (“he has issues with his parents from childhood which I thought might be reason for his aggression”).

When you told him that “it was wrong for you to hit me. He said no, people  like me deserve that to correct them”- he sees himself as your superior, the authority over right and wrong, the perfect one who corrects those inferior people who do wrong.

-while he himself is doing something wrong.

Again, if you were to be with him, you will be doing things wrong, maybe leave soap on dishes, not rinsing them well enough. I suppose he will be correcting you then?

And who is he to be authority over right and wrong, what qualifies him to be that authority?

You wrote, “I still feel guilty about what I did as never in my life I want to hurt anyone as I know how bad it can hurt”-

my suggestion: do the best you can to do-no-harm to others or to yourself. Pay attention, think before you act, ask yourself: how will what I do affect me and how will it affect others? This is how you earn self forgiveness, by paying attention on a daily basis to do what is right for you and for others.

The right thing for you to do is to not be in any kind of a personal relationship (outside of work, let’s say) with a person who has been aggressive with you, and repeatedly so. This is the right thing for you to do.

I was wondering, were you hit as a child, by your parents?

anita

I still feel guilty about what i did as never in my life i want to hurt anyone as i know how bad it can be.