Dear E:

First, I will retell your story (it helps me process information when I do that):

You went to undergraduate school, worked very  hard to get good grades, worked very  hard to get into a good graduate school and fund it, then you graduated, worked hard to get into internships and build an amazing resume.

In a new city, you worked as a full time intern in a small office in a field related to your studies for six months. During these six months you strongly dislike the clientele and the “dysfunction and toxic environment” of the job. You suffered and you were burnt out. You then applied for a full time position in a your field in your dream company, for a position very similar to the one you disliked so much and suffered doing.

You didn’t want to keep doing the job you were doing where you were doing it or anywhere else. It was logical that you will (it being a larger, more stable company, proper systems in place, larger group of colleagues) , but you just didn’t want to suffer anymore. The idea of being “stuck in that line of work forever”, that is, suffering forever, even a one year of this forever-feeling, terrified you.

You kept going with the application through the fear but cancelled the final interview, then asked to reschedule, and then cancelled again at the last minute.

You wrote: “I knew objectively this wasn’t a good idea”. My input: according to logic it was a good idea, but we are human animals, not logical robots. We are very much emotional beings. To function well in life we have to incorporate both: the logic and the emotional. Here is an equation I came buy a few years ago: Wise Mind= Logical Mind + Emotional Mind.

For a long time you functioned like a robot, that is, according to logic but you didn’t attend to your emotional well being. As you found out, it doesn’t work, to plan and execute a life according to logic alone. Our emotions provide us with information that is essential to our well being and effective functioning in life.

Maybe you need a break, you’ve been running on logic alone for too long. I think you need some time away from what-makes-sense. Because what really makes sense is that you attend to how you feel, what you need right now. The human/ animal part of you (which preceded, evolution wise, your logical part) doesn’t want to suffer. All animals withdraw from pain.

What do you think/ feel?

anita